911 . . what's your emergency?

Tuesday night I called 911 for the first time in my life.  I'd like to never do that again.  My husband and I were at my parents' house for my Dad's birthday.  We had eaten dinner, opened gifts, eaten dessert and were getting ready to leave.  Earlier that day my husband said he twisted the knee that he had ACL surgery on before I met him (10+ years ago).  I didn't see him favoring it.  But he stood up to get ready to go home and within about 2 mins mom noticed he looked bad.  He grabbed his leg below the knee and he seemed to almost faint. He said a force was pushing him down (he explained that after).  But during the time he said that his body hurts all over.  We got him a chair.  Mom got him a wet washcloth for his forehead and it went downhill from there.  His head got closer to the table and he seemed to become unresponsive for a few seconds at which time I called 911.  

I can't go through more details here.  I feel it's a bit too invasive of his privacy.   But I will say he had low blood sugar (weird after eating right?) and low blood pressure.  The EMT's had him drink juice and they filled out information.  Then they took blood sugar again.  That went up but blood pressure went down.  They didn't have to take him to the ER as he wasn't classified emergent at this point.  He refused to let any of us take him.  He couldn't walk well but my dad helped me get him home.  He said his knee/ leg hurt  - a 15 on a scale of 1-10.  My mom stayed the night with me and she was with him for a few hours after I went to work on Wednesday.  That day was awful (another post coming).   But I ended up going with him to the Dr that afternoon.  His doc doesn't work Wednesdays so we saw the nurse practitioner.  We didn't get any answer.  But they drew bloodwork.  They have no baseline bloodwork for him.  We got an X-ray of the knee.  Not that it will show anything  as I'm sure it's not bone, but that's the prerequisite for any other test.  Then he went to see his chiro.  She did some acupuncture and electric stem stuff (I'm not sure as she hasn't done that on me yet). . . then she massaged his calf and hit a spot that about sent him out of the chair and made him pee his pants.  Ha! Since then he's had nothing but improvement and he saw her again today.  

I'm not convinced this had to do with the knee/leg.  Maybe it was an extreme pain reaction?  The body sure does different thing in response to pain.  But there have been other things I've noticed that have made me wonder how to connect the dots.  Maybe there is a diabetic/blood sugar issue.   I'm not sure how long it will take us to get answers. 

In the meantime I keep an eye on him, much to his dismay.  I'm making sure he eats right.  I worry if I can't get in touch with him.  I'm really scarred from that experience.  Probably because I don't have answers and I know from experience that I may not get answers.  That's the hard part.  I sure wish that hadn't happened at my parents' house as they've dealt with a lot with him and my mom is traumatized from all of it.  His family never sees any of these issues unfortunately.  ( that whole in-law thing sucks I must say)

This week has been nothing but bad things for me unfortunately.  My stress and exhaustion level are at an all time high.   

More to come. . . 

Losing control . . .

I'm losing control of my eating.  There, I said it.  It's like I'm either *really* good or I'm not.  I can't find a happy medium.  I know some of it is stress.  But some of it is that I just don't care.  I'm back up to 190 and that's stressing me out, but I don't know if I care "enough".  Does that make sense?   The stress in my life is just . . . a lot. . . 

My husband apparently has a larger issue with alcohol than I knew. . . after he totaled his truck a month ago (at 3PM on a Monday afternoon!!!!!!), he's been in "rehab".   What does that entail?  Group therapy 3 times a week. . . which he pretty much thinks is a waste of his time.  He's in a group with people with alcohol and drug issues. . . more drug than alcohol from what he tells me.   And those drug people are your "classic" stereotypical drug users. . some with ankle bracelets on. . . most there cause it's court ordered. . . playing on their phones or even half asleep.  My husband ain't got the patience for that crap and I know he feels like he doesn't fit in and it's a waste of his time.   It's embarrassing to me to even write this blog. . . I'm so ashamed of where my life is right now.  Living with this has been rough but to even realize that this issue is larger than I expected. . .   has been . . . depressing to say the least. I'm pissed off.  I'm hurt.  I'm angry.  I'm sad.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm in disbelief that this is my life and a large part of me wants out.   I feel like this is more than I should say, but I also needed to get some of it out. 

Over Labor Day weekend we went to Cincinnati.  The trip almost got canceled because I came home to find my husband drinking a beer the night before we were suppose to leave. . . did I mention that I can't stand this is my life right now?   This is going to sound crazy, but one of the reasons I wanted to go to Cincy was to go to Taste of Belgium. . . . I saw it on Diner's, Drive-In's and Dives. . .  and since I "lived" in Belgium and I love their waffles. . .  I wanted a "real" Belgium waffle.  I got one. . . more than one. . . 

They were oh so yummy!  We brought 2 packs of 4 (yes that's *eight*) waffles home and topped them with ice cream.  They were amazing and very authentic. 

I discovered there was a Dover Saddlery just outside Cincinnati.  So of course I got something for myself and my main boy. . . 

And in other random news. . . just last night I jumped on the Lularoe bandwagon and I ordered my first pair of leggings.   I hope they live up to all the hype. 

So it's been a month since my last post and I'll probably see you again in another month because quite frankly my life is too depressing to write about. . . 

How much time?

Last week sucked.  I didn't really speak to my husband all week.  After our issues Monday night when I showed up at the park and found him with a beer in his hand. . . I was just too done to talk.  Sometimes you're just talked out.  At least with beating the same issues.   I met my brother in law Tuesday night and talked to him. . . trying to get some advice.  It was good to chat and also good to enlighten him on some things.   Hopefully he tells the family some of these issues (the lack of communication and lies) because as the in-law I'm the bad person.  

This weekend was homecoming in my town.  If you drink, this is the place to be.  How can you pass up buckets of beer?  Yes literally - they sell buckets and fill them up with beer.  If you have kids, this is the place to be.  There is a parade 2 out of 3 of the nights, along with rides, games, fair food, 4H projects/animals. . .    But if you are me. . . this is the place you avoid. Especially when it's your 20 year high school reunion.   But also when you know your husband can't have any fun when you are around.  So Friday night I did this:

Darn right!  I stayed in a hotel all by myself so that I wouldn't have to worry about when he came home, how much he had to drink and I could actually sleep.  Cause my brain won't stop listening for someone if I know they are coming home.  So I toss and turn. . . .  So Friday night I waited till about 5pm, after I knew he left for the homecoming/tractor pull and I went home, made a hotel reservation, packed a bag and high tailed it out of town.  My parents took care of giving my cat her 9pm meds.   I got decent sleep.  I suppose I was still kind of worried about his lousy ass.   I had pizza for dinner. . . 

A week or so ago I was talking to a coworker about how the personal pan pizzas from Pizza Hut are the best.  Perfect size, perfect ratio of everything.  Do you remember being in Book Club back in grade school.  I don't remember exactly how it worked, but I remember you read so many books and you earned a free personal pan pizza.  Ahh the memories!  I loved earning that dang pizza.  I was so excited to go get it.  This really threw me back to my childhood. 

So I turned my phone off, read my kindle and eventually went to sleep - sideways on the kind size bed!  Heaven!  I made myself stay in that bed past 7am. :)  Sleeping in is hard for me.  I turned on my phone. . . nothing - not a single text, no FB message. . . I logged into our Sprint account to see if there was an attempted call to my phone on my husband's line.  I figured it would have went to VM and would have atleast registered a 1 min call on his line.  Nope.  Nothing.  I went to the hotel gym, ran 3 miles, showered and then enjoyed the free breakfast that is Ah-mazing at the Drury.  Yes I stay at a Drury whenever I can.  I love those hotels. 

I packed up and drove back towards home - passing home and going to the barn to ride Eli.  Once I left there I went to Kohl's (oh I did go to Kohl's the night before in the town where I stayed.  Why not check out another Kohl's?  I love that place).  I got a Frosty at Wendy's.  Then I stopped by my parents for about a half hour.  Now it's 2;30 pm.  Who has called me?  Who has texted me?  Not my husband.  Nope.  I really thought about staying out another night.  Clearly he doesn't care.  But homecoming was still going on and I was concerned if my cat would get her meds.  If it wasn't for my Sophie girl I would not have went home.  So I get home just after 2:30 and the first thing I ask him is when was he ever going to check on me.  He claims 3:00 pm.  I call bullshit.   How much time would I have had to be gone before he'd call???  how much time would you have to be gone before your significant other would call you?  One of the workers at my barn asked me if I'd ever done this before?  Nope!  Never.  He's always known where I was.  So it was an out of the ordinary thing.  

Clearly we got issues.   Clearly I don't know what to do.   He's in therapy and I'm trying to be patient, but the patience is wearing thin.  It might be time to move on.  

Time flies. . .

Time flies even when you're not having fun.  To say that life has been stressful lately would be an understatement.  I haven't written anything since May.  I suppose because I'm not sure what to say.  I'm not happy with where life is at the moment.  If I break life down into segments: work, horse, marriage, etc. . . there isn't one part of it that makes me happy.  When you want to go to work to not be home I think that's a bad sign.

Let's start with the horse. . . Eli showed up lame in April.  I don't even know if I wrote about it and I'm too lazy to go back to see.   I left for Rolex (I do know I posted those pics!) and left him on stall rest.  I had my regular vet out a few times to see Eli.  But let's be real here.  My regular vet is in his 70's (just a guess) and he's fantastic and amazing.  He's smart, he's been there seen that.  But at this point I think he should be used for routine medicine as he simply doesn't have the equipment needed to diagnose major issues.  So in June we took Eli to the University of Missouri in Columbia MO (Mizzou for short).

After an evaluation, we decide to ultrasound Eli's left front leg.  In this photo, they are prepping for the ultrasound.  It shows up on the TV on the wall!  What did we find?  A tear of the superficial digital flexor tendon.  I won't go into details but we tried a treatment of injecting the tendon with his own plasma.  We then started "rehab".  We went back early July and had some improvement but not enough to make the vet happy.  We did another injection and I've increased the rehab workload after getting a hand smack by the vet.  We return on Aug 22nd.  I'm not optimistic and the vet will likely recommend surgery.  I'm not sure I'll go that route.   In the meantime I'm riding Eli (sort of - we are limited to walk both way and trotting only one direction) and I'm confused about riding a horse with a torn tendon.  But I'm doing what I'm told.  I was really stressing over this, but I've decided to just roll with it and whatever happens is fine.  If I have to retire Eli, then it's just time. I'm ok with that.

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I suppose it's not appropriate to go into my work issues online, but the culture in my office is changing.  People are a bit nervous about the future and I am too.  In April I will have been here 10 years and I guess I'm a bit uncomfortable about what might be happening.

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Then there's my home life.  Marriage is very very hard.  People say it's hard, but that doesn't relaly prepare you for just how hard.  I don't know what to do or where to turn.  My husband has "threatened" to kill himself the whole time I've known him.  I finally asked his mom and sister to intervene but it seems they don't take me seriously.  He also seems to be a chronic liar.  His go-to when talking to me is to lie.  And I guess he's an alcoholic.  Why do I say "guess"?   Well he doesn't drink every day.  Sometimes not even every week.  But when he does drink it affects our relationship.  He's an asshole.  He looks at me with hatred.  He yells at me.  He brings up all kinds of issues that he won't talk about when he's not drinking.  The bottom line is that the alcohol affects our marriage so I assume that qualifies as a drinking problem.  He is struggling with grief. . . his father died 2 weeks before we got married.  It was March 2011 (we were married 4/2/11).  His brother passed away suddenly in Jan 2013.  I'm not clear where the grief is really stemming from.  I'd say the two combined.  My husband farms.  And he's home all day by himself.  His mother no longer lives on the farm (his parents did when his dad was alive).  So he's alone all day with the voices in his head.  He's depressed.  He's on medication. He finally (*FINALLY*) started therapy yesterday.  But it just might be too late for us.  I haven't trusted him for the majority of our relationship.  We met 10 years ago this weekend (at the local homecoming).  I trust that he's not cheating on me.  But I don't trust him with the small things cause he tells little white lies all the time.  And he hides the beer and lies about it.  We had this big blow up fight July 14th.  He said he'd stop drinking. . . last night I went to the park where he was setting up for homecoming and he was standing there drinking.  "It's just one damn beer" he says.  I don't even know what to say.  He doesn't communicate with me.  We can sit and eat dinner without really talking.  We can be in the car together. .  . say driving to somewhere an hour away and literally not even speak.  We've talked about divorce.  I often think we make better friends than an actual couple.  But he's 44 years old. . . he makes really *bad* decisions about beer. . . he lies. . . it's like he wants to live the single life but be married.  He was married once before and I know that he doesn't want to get divorced again and that's basically the only reason he fights divorce.  It's not because he loves me so damn much.  In fact I think he hates me.  When he yells at me the hatred is palatable.  I have some tough decisions in my future, but I really think I'm delaying the inevitable.  He's a good guy deep down, but his issues run really deep (including childhood issues) and I just don't know that I can wait around for them to be fixed.  After 10 years of the same record playing over and over, I'm tired of waiting for the change.  I'm not perfect, even though he accuses me of that.  But there are so many issues that I cannot fix.  I can't do it for him.  I can't make him grow up.  I can't make him tell me the truth.  I could go on and on, but that's where I'm at in a nutshell that probably doesn't represent the whole issue.   Life is tough. Marriage is tough.  Being an in-law flat out sucks.  And I'm just so damn tired of it all.

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I'll leave you with one more photo. . . . on Amazon Prime Day I caved and finally bought the pressure cooker that I wanted.  I got an Instant Pot.  Along with many many many other people that day.  I am still learning the thing, but so far it's love. . .   last weekend I made a cheesecake. . . in a pressure cooker. . . and it was YUMMY!

Small random things. . .

I'm still struggling with food. I'm embarrassed to admit this.  I don't know why I can't ditch the sugar.  Last year was much easier and this year I'm just sucking at it.  I know as Spring arrives and then turns to Summer, that this struggle will only be magnified.  


We went out of town this weekend.  We drove about 1.5 hours north to Springfield IL.  We went for an overnight just to get away.  The IL Horse Fair was going on at the state fairgrounds.   So that was one thing on the to-do list.  I bought these girl scout cookies there,  Did I mention I was struggling?   We don't have this lemon option in my area and I love lemon!

Then we hit up an amazing store called Scheel's.  It's a 2 story store with a Ferris Wheel in the middle!

I call this store a cross between Cabela's and Sport Authority.   It has much more hunting stuff than Sports Authority and more clothing than both stores.  It seems like they have every workout brand there is.  They also have jeans, a sports section with many many teams, a home decor section, a cafe that also sells fudge and ice cream. . . some games kids can play.  The place is amazing.  We always look for sales.  My hubby found an Under Armour shirt marked down from $80 to $25.  Then when we left to meet friends for dinner we reviewed the receipt as we spent $147 and the chick didn't charge us for his shirt!  Ooops!

So last week another horse ate the bottom of Eli's tail.

See the long strands?  They all use to be that long.  This photo is a bad angle, but I guesstimate about 6" of hair is gone. :(  I wanted to cry.  I was under too much stress to deal with this and worry that one day I'd arrive at the barn to find even more tail missing.  I've been putting MTG on the ends because I was told it would deter the culprit from eating more at it tastes bad.  I don't know about the taste, but I hate the smell!  So far it's working.  Thank goodness.  I did buy a tail bag while we were at the horse fair, but I really prefer not to use it.


Last week was really rough in terms of some major fighting between my hubby and I.  One night I was in the bedroom watching TV and staying away from him.  My kitty, Mr Blue, snuggled me and tried to make me feel better.  I love kitty snuggles!

In my effort to get back on track, last night's dinner was breakfast!  Hole in one eggs in Ezekiel bread and turkey bacon.  I'm trying. . . not succeeding often, but trying.  After dinner I stuff my freaking face with all kinds of sweets.  It's like I have no control.   I'm determined to work on that.  Maybe I will start posting weekly weigh ins again.  Cause I've got to find ways to have success and maybe that will motivate me.

Last week during the days of fighting with my husband I backed into our barn.  Lots of red paint and a dent.  Nice huh? It's all his fault.  He made a stupid choice last week and when I noticed some mud all over his truck I decided to check out the rest of the truck and bam!  Backed right into the barn.  So I blame it on him.  He did get the paint off and popped out most of it out. But still. .  . I hate denting my car :(

That's all I have for now.  I wish I had more to say and was more positive, but it's been a rough time and I think the stress is affecting my eating choices.

It's been 6 weeks. . .

and one day since I first got "sick".  I'm tired of it.  No joke.  The good news, I suppose, is that I'm getting better very slowly.  The bad news is that I have a few new symptoms.  My head feels very weird at times. . . almost dizzy.  Nothing spins, but maybe it feels like the ground is tilting?  I haven't figured out how to explain it well.  I had one bad moment with that where I was standing next to my husband, grabbed him till it seemed to leave and then I sat down.  I also had 2 fingers randomly start tingling for just a couple mins at lunch on Saturday.  That was freaky and scary.   Not going to lie.  I thought "oh shit, ER here I come."  Thankfully it went away fast and hasn't been back.  I still have the vision shooter things though. 

My 40 day treatment of antibiotics ends today.  I have one more dose left.  I'm nervous.  I'm still not sure this isn't Lyme disease.  If it is, I've read that those little jerk off bacteria are hard to kill.  That people go off antibiotics and the symptoms return.  I see my doc again Tues, so that'll be day 4 of no medicine.  Hopefully I will know by then.   I'm also no longer on any OTC medication (Advil and Aleve).   So I'm hopeful that I really am getting better.  I'm on a homeopathic remedy called Rhus Tox and I'm wondering if that's messing with my head?  I don't know!

I went to the gym last night!  3 miles on the treadmill.  I ran 1/4 mile 4 times for a total of a mile running.  I *had* to see how it felt.  I'm sick and tired of being a lazy sack of potatoes.  I'm going to do the same thing this weekend. Today I have my first full body massage since I got sick.  I *cannot* wait. Not only have I not been active, but my eating is horrible.  Horrendous.  I'm embarrassed.    I need to get my act together. 

I've been trying to do things to relax.  I know I'm a stressed person.  I let everything stress me.  So I've been taking epsom salt baths.  I figure it can't hurt, it might help and it gives me some forced time to sit and do nothing!

I've also been hitting up the Oriental Energy massage parlor on the mall and having the little Asian dudes give me foot massages.  They can be intense and sometimes hurt, but I enjoy them.  I've been there three times.  The last time the guy said "Why you always come in for just your feet so much?"  Ha! :)  

I've also been coloring.  My aunt used to color.  I distinctly remember her coloring mandalas and other geometric designs.   I've had a couple books for a long time and never really did much.  So I broke them out, bought a few more and started coloring.  It's relaxing.  You can't rush coloring. 

This one I found in my book already finished:

And since I started this again I've colored three more. 

I'm really trying to reduce the stress in my life.  Unfortunately I'm not very good at that.  I just worry.  I just stress when goals aren't being reached.  Since I got back from Canada, Eli has also had an issue going on that means I can't ride him.  So we will probably be going to the University of Missouri in a couple weeks.  It's always something. . . . 

5 pounds!

I lost 5 pounds.  I'm so excited about this because I did it in a rather stress free (for me) way.  On Monday June 2nd I was pissed off at the scale.  It read 208.2.   I decided I'd not get on the scale again till Friday.  Then I could get on again Monday (the weekends are hard for me so I like to monitor the damage) and then again on Friday.  So twice a week.   

On Friday June 6th I weighed in at 205.0.  That's 3.2 lbs!  I wasn't to "sure" of that weight but I know I also put on lb or more the weekend before so it might have fallen off fast. 

On Friday June 13th I weighed in at 204.8.  To say that I was bummed is an understatement.  It was my time of the month that week so it's possible I gained and loss 2 lbs that week, but still . . . . 

So I then gave up the twice a week scale thing unfortunately.  However I was only monitoring this past week and didn't put much stock in the number.  I knew it didn't "count" till Friday.   

And now it's Friday. . . 

Ignore the date.  I'm way *way* too lazy to correct the date on my scale.  :)   

So 5 lbs in 3 weeks.  Not too shabby.  Not as fast as I'd hoped, but I'll take it.  It's motivating me and I need that.  I want to get under 200 lbs as the first goal.  Then we'll talk about the next goal.   

What have I been doing differently?  I've been really strict about what I eat at work.  I eat the same breakfast - a shakeology smoothie.  I have the same lunch - chicken on salad with salsa as the dressing.  I have fruit throughout the day.  I have one serving of Planter's nutrition energy mix with my salad.  I've been trying really hard to not snack in the evenings as much.  I allow myself a snack. .  or 2. But not 5 or 6!   I almost always have a Fiber One oats and chocolate granola bar.   Last Friday at work I ran at lunch and then had a salad from Imo's immediately after.  I allowed myself a few pieces of the cheesy bread that come with the lunch special.  I'm doing that again today because it allows me to break up the monotony of eating the same thing every day.  It's still a salad but it's a treat.  It comes with a small soda and I allow myself to have that.  I've been looking forward to it all week.  I'm trying to find that balance between a really healthy lifestyle and allowing myself to enjoy food/life.  Weekends are a bit more tough as we usually eat out once, but I also run farther on the weekends and am generally more active.  So I guess it's working.  

The biggest thing for me is that I have a "plan" so to speak and my stress level over the scale has decreased.  For me this is huge!

It's getting really really hot and humid here.  We have had a heat index of 100 or really close since Tuesday.  It's tough as hell to get in 2 miles at lunch, but for now I'm sticking with it hoping to acclimate.  I'm also hoping the heat breaks as it was supposed to only be Tuesday that was hot. . . it's Friday now and it's still hot. :(   It's definitely affecting my motivation to run during the day.  But for now I'm hanging tough and I'm just going to "do it!"   

Have a great weekend!