Struggling. . .

I find myself struggling with life right now.  As a results of the stress and emotions I am struggling with my food choices.   Friday was out of control stupid.  I just ate everything I saw.  I felt horrible and sluggish.  It's really eye opening when you realize how your food choices make you feel.  But ultimately that didn't stop me from shoving crap in my face.

My sweet tooth is crazy strong.  My Dad loves sweets too.  I blame him as I clearly inherited his sweet tooth.  My boss and coworker were in Switzerland last week and brought me back some chocolate. I  really wanted a hollow bunny, but it died on the way home. :(  (tastes the same though I suppose!)

It's also Easter time. . . the time Baby Binks come out to play.  These are usually sold for $1 and they are my weakness.  I adore hollow chocolate.  I love the candy bunny eyes.  These are a smaller size (till too much, but smaller) and I am addicted.  Did I tell you I was struggling?

I was working on a fitbit streak. How many days in a row could I reach my 10K step goal.  I answered that yesterday.  33 days.

You can see I did not reach goal yesterday (Monday).   That was day 34.  Bummer :( I had a Dr appt after work.  It my yearly woman Dr appt and quite frankly I just drove home after that and I didn't work out.   Streak over.

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So I try hard not to talk about my relationship issues. I can't decide what I should or should not share.  But I guess the thing is, FB is a highlight reel of life.  Everything has to be happy and positive.  I don't necessarily want my blog to be that way.  But how much is too much?  I haven't figured that out.  I blog not necessarily because I think my life is interesting and everyone wants to know about it.  But more because it's almost therapy, like a journal.  I put it "out there" and get it off my chest.  Who reads it?  I don't know.  And that's the magic I think. 

Anyways, before I met my husband he was married for 4 (?) years.  He was a lot larger (I believe almost 300 lbs).  He lost weight (65 lbs I think) before I met him.  So I've only seen pics of him at his largest.  He's joined me on my healthy journey and is currently checking in around 205-208 he tells me.  He's the smallest I've ever seen him.   But before I met him, he chewed tobacco.  He quit before he met me.  I think during the time he lost weight.  But I've busted him for chewing.  I can't remember the first time. I feel like it was in the fall and so potentially fall of 2014. . . maybe fall of 2013.  I don't know.  But I found a can of chew in our kitchen cabinet (hidden) last fall.  I called him on it.  I was *not* happy.  I don't like chewing.  I want nothing to do with it and I don't want him to do it.  That it was just another one his lies really threw me over the edge.  It's a whole other story but I really think he's a compulsive liar.  So . . . last night as I was coming home I stopped at the mail box (remember I live in the country and our box is at the end of our driveway).   I opened - no mail.  But what was in the back of the box?  A can of chew.  His brand.  His flavor.  He says it's not his.  I have no logical explanation for why it's not his.  But I have no explanation for why someone else would put it in our box.   It's not a logical hiding place for him.  But . . . people do weird things to mailboxes in the country.  I mean other than smashing them.   My crazy neighbor (yes he's bat shit crazy) had his box stuffed with shitty diapers.  But you know. . . I get it . .  it's cause he's nuts and someone hates him!  A can of chew?  That stuff isn't cheap.  Who would just throw it in our box?   That would be a waste of money.  But why would my husband hide it in the box?   I went for a drive after asking him about this.  I needed space.   I believe it's his no matter what he says.  My mom doesn't know - she also doesn't get why it would be in the mail box.   But I will tell you this. . . I wanted a soda!!!!  I wanted it bad.  A fountain soda.  My drug of choice.  This kind of stress isn't helping me.  I didn't get the soda.  But maybe I should have.  I just came home and ate chocolate.  But I've already fallen into the slippery slope of sweets.  I don't need to fall of the "no soda" bandwagon too. I've got to get myself together.  Any tips and advice for finding my willpower again is greatly appreciated.  

It's vet week and some random updates. . .

It's a week of veterinary madness!  Tuesday my hubby took our three little outside kitty babies to the vet.  Wednesday they got fixed.  Yesterday morning he picked them up.  We are so glad to have them home.  Wednesday and Thursday mornings were so quiet.  Usually when I leave I look for three crazy kitties running around in the cool morning playing with leaves and various other things that kitties think are toys.  Even though they are outside kitties, their absence was felt and we were so glad to have them home.

This is Puddin'.   Or sometimes it's Puddin' Pop or just Pudds (however you spell that!).

He looks so big in that photo without a frame of reference.  But they are about 5 months old.

Yesterday I took my Sophie girl to the cardiologist for her checkup.

Sophie has been in heart failure for three years.  Her prognosis was 6 months - 2 years.  The vet called her a miracle kitty last night.  It's been just over 9 months since her last visit.  That was not necessarily good and was totally my fault.  But she is remaining steady and only needed an increase in her potassium supplement.   She gets a *lot* of pills every day to keep her alive.  It makes traveling very very difficult.  It's hard to find someone to pill your cat, much less to do it 3 times a day.

The week continues through this coming Wednesday when I take Eli to the University of Missouri in Columbia MO.   He's been off in his neck since I returned from Canada.  I had started to address it then I got sick. Since he's completely happy when not being ridden I let him chill while I focused on myself.  But come Wednesday morning we will be loading up bright and early to start the trek to Columbia.  Our appt is at 10 am and we are told it can take all day or longer.  I'm already making a packing list - overnight bag just in case, food, drinks, snacks, phone chargers!

I figure by the end of the day Wednesday I'll be broke.  It truly is a crazy vet week.  Mr Blue is the only animal I own that isn't seeing the Dr. . . yet. . . .I better not jinx it. 

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So it's been 7 week since I got sick. . . I saw my doc this week.  She said it's infectious and not autoimmune.  She is still leaning toward Lyme.  I replied that I didn't respond to antibiotics as quickly (if at all) as I should have.  She said that was a good point.  But then said what else would it be?  I replied a virus. She said it lasted long and what virus?  Well mono can last months. . .  so that was my only response.  

My pain level in my joints is almost none.  The last two mornings I got up out of bed and stood on my BARE feet.  No crocs.  I've been wearing crocs in the house at all times, except the shower.  It was so nice to be barefoot.  Today and yesterday I wore normal shoes (not crocs!) to work.  It was kind of weird . . . Wednesday evening I noticed my feet felt a LOT better and it was kind of a night and day difference.  Like a switch was flipped.  

However I still have vision issues.  And now I have some dizzy type issues.  I will feel like I'm on a boat.  The world kind of tilts back and forth.  So I'm not cured for sure.  I just hope that these last two things go away.  The vision shooters happen more than the dizzy and they are annoying.  And of course both issues are worrisome :(

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I'm fat. Yes you read that right.  I'm gaining weight.  Since I got sick and specifically since I was in the ER, I've been eating like crap.  I knew it would catch up to me.  But it took a while.  When I gained 3 lbs I didn't panic. I  was unable to exercise.  I knew I'd gain some. No big deal. Just get well enough to run.  But really I'm just being *bad*.  I eat ice cream almost every day.  Tuesday was National Ice Cream Cone Day.  I got a cone from Sonic.  I learned that Sonic was confused about what day to celebrate and they were having half price cones on Wednesday.  I went back and got another on Wednesday. 

I find some way to eat ice cream almost every day.  Yesterday I got one of those M&M cookie sandwiches at the gas station.  I have got to buckle down and get this under control.  My weight this AM?  185.2  I was around 179 when I went to the ER.  I know I was in the 170's when I saw my doc 2 days later.  It's time to suck up and get back on the clean eating band wagon. 

The battle is real. . .

I have an inner fatty.  I think if you've been a fat girl (I still consider myself a fat girl), then you have an inner fatty.   I didn't get fat cause I loved healthy food.  I got fat cause I loved unhealthy food.  I still love unhealthy food. 

In Dec 2013 a friend that I met via FB was chatting with me and she said "I saw that you said you did a long run so you can have a cupcake.  It doesn't work that way".   I think I was in denial.  My reply is that I know.  That I know people over estimate calories burned and then eat too much.  I wasn't eating a cupcake after every long run. . . .was I?  I don't know.  What I do know was I eating too much crap.  I know that all through 2014 I pretty much did a good job of maintaining weight. . . creeping up slowly, but not a ton.  Running and then eating a cupcake is probably a fine (but unhealthy) way to maintain weight. 

I want to lose weight.  I want to be healthy.  Will I eat a cupcake?  Yes.  I'm sorry but I don't have superhero willpower.   But I will not eat them as often.  Every weekend is not a special occasion.  Special occasions are birthday parties, holidays, maybe a date night.  They are not Saturday and Sunday.  They are not long run days.  

But the battle is real.  I fight a mental battle with myself almost every day.  Sometimes hourly.  Right now it's 11:20 AM.  I want this Advocare DB9 bar that I have at my desk.  There's nothing wrong with eating it.  The various advocare bars are part of my lifestyle now.  But I don't *need* it.  Lunch is soon.  Soon enough.  I don't need this snack.  I had a peach and cashews as my morning snack.  But I like snacks.  Bad or otherwise.  If there was chocolate in my desk I'd want that.  Heck it's that time of the month - I want chocolate.  I want cupcakes.  The DB9 bar is what I have access to, so I want it.  

The struggle is constant.  I can't imagine that it won't be.  I have a sweet tooth.  I have an inner fatty.  I'm trying to shut her up.  I'm making progress.  I'm learning a lot this year.  I see what impact one bad choice has.  I see how much I've improved and how much room there is for improvement.  I don't pretend that I'm perfect.  Perfection is not my goal.  Healthier choices 99% of the time is my goal.  Choices that get me to my weight/size/fat%/etc goals is what I am doing, what I need to do, what I need to keep doing. 

I hope that I'm motivating others on the way.  I'm a true believer that if I can do it, anyone can do it.  I do not have some crazy strong willpower.  I fight my sweet tooth every day.  I fight the inner fatty that says "just one cupcake".    Progress is happening.