How much time?

Last week sucked.  I didn't really speak to my husband all week.  After our issues Monday night when I showed up at the park and found him with a beer in his hand. . . I was just too done to talk.  Sometimes you're just talked out.  At least with beating the same issues.   I met my brother in law Tuesday night and talked to him. . . trying to get some advice.  It was good to chat and also good to enlighten him on some things.   Hopefully he tells the family some of these issues (the lack of communication and lies) because as the in-law I'm the bad person.  

This weekend was homecoming in my town.  If you drink, this is the place to be.  How can you pass up buckets of beer?  Yes literally - they sell buckets and fill them up with beer.  If you have kids, this is the place to be.  There is a parade 2 out of 3 of the nights, along with rides, games, fair food, 4H projects/animals. . .    But if you are me. . . this is the place you avoid. Especially when it's your 20 year high school reunion.   But also when you know your husband can't have any fun when you are around.  So Friday night I did this:

Darn right!  I stayed in a hotel all by myself so that I wouldn't have to worry about when he came home, how much he had to drink and I could actually sleep.  Cause my brain won't stop listening for someone if I know they are coming home.  So I toss and turn. . . .  So Friday night I waited till about 5pm, after I knew he left for the homecoming/tractor pull and I went home, made a hotel reservation, packed a bag and high tailed it out of town.  My parents took care of giving my cat her 9pm meds.   I got decent sleep.  I suppose I was still kind of worried about his lousy ass.   I had pizza for dinner. . . 

A week or so ago I was talking to a coworker about how the personal pan pizzas from Pizza Hut are the best.  Perfect size, perfect ratio of everything.  Do you remember being in Book Club back in grade school.  I don't remember exactly how it worked, but I remember you read so many books and you earned a free personal pan pizza.  Ahh the memories!  I loved earning that dang pizza.  I was so excited to go get it.  This really threw me back to my childhood. 

So I turned my phone off, read my kindle and eventually went to sleep - sideways on the kind size bed!  Heaven!  I made myself stay in that bed past 7am. :)  Sleeping in is hard for me.  I turned on my phone. . . nothing - not a single text, no FB message. . . I logged into our Sprint account to see if there was an attempted call to my phone on my husband's line.  I figured it would have went to VM and would have atleast registered a 1 min call on his line.  Nope.  Nothing.  I went to the hotel gym, ran 3 miles, showered and then enjoyed the free breakfast that is Ah-mazing at the Drury.  Yes I stay at a Drury whenever I can.  I love those hotels. 

I packed up and drove back towards home - passing home and going to the barn to ride Eli.  Once I left there I went to Kohl's (oh I did go to Kohl's the night before in the town where I stayed.  Why not check out another Kohl's?  I love that place).  I got a Frosty at Wendy's.  Then I stopped by my parents for about a half hour.  Now it's 2;30 pm.  Who has called me?  Who has texted me?  Not my husband.  Nope.  I really thought about staying out another night.  Clearly he doesn't care.  But homecoming was still going on and I was concerned if my cat would get her meds.  If it wasn't for my Sophie girl I would not have went home.  So I get home just after 2:30 and the first thing I ask him is when was he ever going to check on me.  He claims 3:00 pm.  I call bullshit.   How much time would I have had to be gone before he'd call???  how much time would you have to be gone before your significant other would call you?  One of the workers at my barn asked me if I'd ever done this before?  Nope!  Never.  He's always known where I was.  So it was an out of the ordinary thing.  

Clearly we got issues.   Clearly I don't know what to do.   He's in therapy and I'm trying to be patient, but the patience is wearing thin.  It might be time to move on.  

It's been 6 weeks. . .

and one day since I first got "sick".  I'm tired of it.  No joke.  The good news, I suppose, is that I'm getting better very slowly.  The bad news is that I have a few new symptoms.  My head feels very weird at times. . . almost dizzy.  Nothing spins, but maybe it feels like the ground is tilting?  I haven't figured out how to explain it well.  I had one bad moment with that where I was standing next to my husband, grabbed him till it seemed to leave and then I sat down.  I also had 2 fingers randomly start tingling for just a couple mins at lunch on Saturday.  That was freaky and scary.   Not going to lie.  I thought "oh shit, ER here I come."  Thankfully it went away fast and hasn't been back.  I still have the vision shooter things though. 

My 40 day treatment of antibiotics ends today.  I have one more dose left.  I'm nervous.  I'm still not sure this isn't Lyme disease.  If it is, I've read that those little jerk off bacteria are hard to kill.  That people go off antibiotics and the symptoms return.  I see my doc again Tues, so that'll be day 4 of no medicine.  Hopefully I will know by then.   I'm also no longer on any OTC medication (Advil and Aleve).   So I'm hopeful that I really am getting better.  I'm on a homeopathic remedy called Rhus Tox and I'm wondering if that's messing with my head?  I don't know!

I went to the gym last night!  3 miles on the treadmill.  I ran 1/4 mile 4 times for a total of a mile running.  I *had* to see how it felt.  I'm sick and tired of being a lazy sack of potatoes.  I'm going to do the same thing this weekend. Today I have my first full body massage since I got sick.  I *cannot* wait. Not only have I not been active, but my eating is horrible.  Horrendous.  I'm embarrassed.    I need to get my act together. 

I've been trying to do things to relax.  I know I'm a stressed person.  I let everything stress me.  So I've been taking epsom salt baths.  I figure it can't hurt, it might help and it gives me some forced time to sit and do nothing!

I've also been hitting up the Oriental Energy massage parlor on the mall and having the little Asian dudes give me foot massages.  They can be intense and sometimes hurt, but I enjoy them.  I've been there three times.  The last time the guy said "Why you always come in for just your feet so much?"  Ha! :)  

I've also been coloring.  My aunt used to color.  I distinctly remember her coloring mandalas and other geometric designs.   I've had a couple books for a long time and never really did much.  So I broke them out, bought a few more and started coloring.  It's relaxing.  You can't rush coloring. 

This one I found in my book already finished:

And since I started this again I've colored three more. 

I'm really trying to reduce the stress in my life.  Unfortunately I'm not very good at that.  I just worry.  I just stress when goals aren't being reached.  Since I got back from Canada, Eli has also had an issue going on that means I can't ride him.  So we will probably be going to the University of Missouri in a couple weeks.  It's always something. . . .