It was 5 weeks ago when I was just walking during recess and got slammed with this "sickness". It feels like 5 months.
Currently my biggest complaint is my feet.
Generally they don't hurt when I'm not on them. But it's the initial standing/walking that hurts. And sometimes it hurts bad. This morning I got up and they were the best they've been in a long time! I was pretty happy with that. But they seem to hurt more later in the day. When I first got sick, mornings were worse.
This past weekend I got the guts to try the Oriental Energy massage place in my local mall. I got a 30 min foot massage from a middle aged Asian guy that smelled like stale smoke. We didn't communicate well but the massage was good, if not a bit too strong in some areas for my poor sore little feet.
My hands are almost normal when I wake up, but my wrists are still tender and don't like certain movements. For example, I grab my purse in my right hand and try to put it on my right shoulder with the same hand. The wrist has to bend and support the purse quite a bit for that movement. No one thinks twice about doing this, I never did. Now I have to use my opposite hand.
My knees suck. Standing and sitting, going up and down stairs. . . .all tender. But what's worse is that yesterday I was at Michael's and I squatted down to look at something on a shelf without thinking about it. Holy shit! I don't think I've squatted since I got sick. Wowza. Holy effing pain! I shot up like a bullet and almost cried. So I will continued to squat once or twice a day to monitor this. I can only imagine that it got better since all this started, because everything has. Which makes me think a few weeks ago I might have fell over and landed on my ass in the store. Who knows!
Today I'm going to get xrays of my feet. If I have RA, a rhuematologist would monitor joint damage. I don't think I have any at this point, but this could be a baseline xray. And I got to pick which joint to xray. My right foot hasn't been the same since I rolled it over a stair step. So why not just see if anything is going on there.
I was given permission to walk and I hated it. I want to run. I have only walked once. And if I'm worse the next day I have to stop. I was in severe foot pain the same night. So I haven't done it since. But I really overdid it that day. So since the weekend was so hot and humid I decided to wait for better weather and try again. This weekend looks like it will be nice and chilly in the AM. I have a *secret* goal. I want to be running by:
I am signed up for the Hot Chocolate 15K in Dec. This will be my third year in a row. So I have high hopes I can start running my Oct 1. Keep your fingers crossed for me! I don't know if this is a far-fetched goal or not honestly, but it's my secret hope. I need to run again!
I am still undiagnosed. I see my Dr tomorrow and I know she's going to give me an autoimmune diagnosis. It'll probably be rheumatoid arthritis or lupus. Things I don't want to have for the rest of my life :(
I've alternated between being pissed off and angry, believing that they are wrong and this will go away and believing everything will be fine cause I'll put it in remission. I don't know what will actually happen. I'm very very sloooowly feeling better and as a result my personality is better and I feel like the "old" me. Cause quite frankly for a couple weeks I felt like the old me died and I had to figure out who this knew person was. I expect I'll feel like that again.
I need to find a therapist. I have the issue of insurance changing in Nov and that makes finding new providers a risk. I need therapy for stress management, dealing with whatever is wrong with me, working on myself and how I communicate with my husband. We really need marriage therapy, but I don't see that happening. My marriage is my biggest source of stress. And that makes me . . . stressed.
The problem with this is that I "look" fine. Usually. There are times that people tell me that I don't look good. But in general I look normal. Except for the crocs on my feet. Ha! They are the most comfortable things for my achy painful little feet. Ouch! I move the best when I'm wearing crocs. I don't care if I look a fool. :) My husband informed me I haven't been happy for five weeks last night. Well tomorrow is 4 weeks of this illness. He's off by one. . . but he clearly doesn't understand what it's like to constantly think about this, to constantly have aches and pains, to not be able to do the small things that you use to do, or some of the large things, to ponder that you have something wrong with you for the rest of your life. . . . I could use some support instead of being reprimanded for not being happy. This is tough. This sucks. I read and read and make myself sick with stress. I need to not stress or be stressed and maybe that will help. I've been researching natural cures. . . plant based diet (I don't know if I can do that), cherry juice, red wine and the ingredient from the grapes that's in the wine. . . anything and everything I can find to naturally go into remission should I really have something autoimmune. Oh by the way, the negative tests for all this don't mean jack apparently. But the drugs for these illnesses. . . many have horrible side effects like Lymphoma . . . ummm no. That drug is not going in my body if I can help it!
So that's where I'm at right now. Very dismal isn't it. I hope to post something happy again eventually. When I actually feel happy. :(
