The battle is real. . .

I have an inner fatty.  I think if you've been a fat girl (I still consider myself a fat girl), then you have an inner fatty.   I didn't get fat cause I loved healthy food.  I got fat cause I loved unhealthy food.  I still love unhealthy food. 

In Dec 2013 a friend that I met via FB was chatting with me and she said "I saw that you said you did a long run so you can have a cupcake.  It doesn't work that way".   I think I was in denial.  My reply is that I know.  That I know people over estimate calories burned and then eat too much.  I wasn't eating a cupcake after every long run. . . .was I?  I don't know.  What I do know was I eating too much crap.  I know that all through 2014 I pretty much did a good job of maintaining weight. . . creeping up slowly, but not a ton.  Running and then eating a cupcake is probably a fine (but unhealthy) way to maintain weight. 

I want to lose weight.  I want to be healthy.  Will I eat a cupcake?  Yes.  I'm sorry but I don't have superhero willpower.   But I will not eat them as often.  Every weekend is not a special occasion.  Special occasions are birthday parties, holidays, maybe a date night.  They are not Saturday and Sunday.  They are not long run days.  

But the battle is real.  I fight a mental battle with myself almost every day.  Sometimes hourly.  Right now it's 11:20 AM.  I want this Advocare DB9 bar that I have at my desk.  There's nothing wrong with eating it.  The various advocare bars are part of my lifestyle now.  But I don't *need* it.  Lunch is soon.  Soon enough.  I don't need this snack.  I had a peach and cashews as my morning snack.  But I like snacks.  Bad or otherwise.  If there was chocolate in my desk I'd want that.  Heck it's that time of the month - I want chocolate.  I want cupcakes.  The DB9 bar is what I have access to, so I want it.  

The struggle is constant.  I can't imagine that it won't be.  I have a sweet tooth.  I have an inner fatty.  I'm trying to shut her up.  I'm making progress.  I'm learning a lot this year.  I see what impact one bad choice has.  I see how much I've improved and how much room there is for improvement.  I don't pretend that I'm perfect.  Perfection is not my goal.  Healthier choices 99% of the time is my goal.  Choices that get me to my weight/size/fat%/etc goals is what I am doing, what I need to do, what I need to keep doing. 

I hope that I'm motivating others on the way.  I'm a true believer that if I can do it, anyone can do it.  I do not have some crazy strong willpower.  I fight my sweet tooth every day.  I fight the inner fatty that says "just one cupcake".    Progress is happening. 

Slippery Slope of Sugar

I gained a pound this morning.  Why?  Cause I ate that stupid cupcake.  And BBQ and a Mountain Dew.  I'm so mad and disappointed in myself.  Not only that but when I baked cookies on Tues I've had one or two every day since.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I've come so far.  I'm one pound heavier than I was on Feb 7th.  This is disappointing. I have to buckle down.  I made the choice last night.  We went to pick up race packets for Saturday.  We had to go to Bissinger's Chocolate to get them.  I didn't buy a single piece of chocolate.  But then I saw that there "The Cup" was on the same block. I've been wanting to go to The Cup for-freaking-ever.  There is one on the IL side of the river, but it's probably a 45 min drive from my house.  I knew there was one on the MO side, but I didn't know where.  Looks like I found it!  And we walked in and left with 2 cupcakes.  I'm kind of frustrated with my husband cause I suggested getting one cupcake to share.  He's not very good about that.  Admittedly he's come a long way and does share food with me so that we don't eat too much or spend too much (like at a ballgame).  But when it comes to sweets he wants his own.  These cupcakes were HUGE.  They are known for being huge.  Mine was soooooo good.  He got maple bacon and I tried it.  Good but not my thing.  I swear I felt my brain short circuiting after I ate this.  

We stopped a very popular BBQ place for dinner after getting our packets.  It was a cold weeknight so there wasn't a line out the door.  I chose to drink a Mt Dew.  My choice.  I'm ok with that.  We ate the cupcakes when we got home.  This morning as I was driving to work I was pondering my choices last night.  The cupcake was the worse choice.  Why?  Because I'm sneaking sweets into my day and that has to stop.  I know the desire to eat a sweet is still here today.  But I don't have the desire for a soda. I  mean if you handed me one I'd want it. But I don't feel the need to seek it out.  I do feel the need to seek out chocolate.   So I've got to buckle down.  I had higher hopes for where I'd be on the scale right now.  Tomorrow is going to be tough being Valentine's Day.  But come Sunday I'm back to being perfect.  End of story.  I have some serious travel coming up and I need to lose more weight BEFORE that travel.  

It's amazing how you can slide right down the slope with just one bite.