Encouragement needed

I've gained a solid 10 lbs since I got sick.  I was around 178 when I got sick.  I'm now 188.0. 

I really wanted to kick, scream, cry. . . throw a two year old temper tantrum this morning.  But this is *my* fault.  I own it.  I've been eating like crap.  I've been drinking soda.  I'll do go for a day at most and then it's back to crap eating. 

I don't often use this fat monitor, as you can tell by how dirty the screen is.   I was running late for work (as always) so I didn't feel like making it pretty for a picture.  But I'm up about 2% I think.  Again I don't use this thing that often, so hard to know what my lowest was.  But I don't think I ever got below 30%. 

And this is why I'm gaining weight. . . I'm doing things like this.  This is a Gus' Pretzel. . . it's a St Louis thing - they've been around since 1920.  And that's a Shock Top in my hand.  And yes it's a playoff game.  And yes, it's the Cardinals and the Cubs.  It's historic.  But whatever.  I can't keep eating like this.  So I've got to buckle down.  I have another playoff game Thursday (if we make it that far).   My goals are to be pretty damn perfect between now and then. 

I welcome all advice for how to get back on the wagon.  I know people struggle with this.  I know that this isn't rare.  What do you do to get back on track?  Cause I gotta stop the scale before it hits 190.  I've worked hard for this!   I can't let it slip away. 

To step off on the right foot, this is breakfast:

Battle with the scale

I know numbers aren't everything.  However, this is what my scale says to me:

I don't think I should weight 200 lbs.  Yes that's what the scale said today.  200 on the nose.  I battle the scale.  It's not healthy, I know.  What I don't know is how to overcome it.  I feel like the number I see in the morning dictates my mood through the day.  Last week I reached the 199's.   But then I bounced up to 201.something.   Ugh.   I tried to think of the scale as a competition.  Me vs the scale.  That works when I'm winning.  I feel *really* good when the scale does go down.  But then when it goes up I get this WTF attitude and tend to eat.  I thought I was a tough competitor, but apparently not!  I'm scared that if I ever do get back to the 180's (where I was happiest) that even then my favorite jeans won't fit.  Why?  Well when I was on HCG, I lost all the abnormal fat stores.  Ok, not all, but they were reduced.  My hips shrank.  Losing weight *normally* my hips don't tend to shrink.  I think my 20lbs went on in my hips and won't come off in my hips.  That makes me sad.  Weight loss is so emotional.  I ate a chocolate chip muffin this morning.  We got off work early yesterday (due to snow) and I baked muffins and cookies.   I really wanted to try a muffin.  I consciously decided to eat it. I think that there is a healthy balance in life.  But then I feel guilty. . . really guilty.  Which sometimes prompts me to eat more.   So then it's a viscous cycle.  I don't think the average healthy weight person understands the emotional struggle.  I don't think my own (overweight) husband understands it.  On FB last week I posted an article about diet myths.  A friend shared it.  Then a mutual friend (that is suddenly huge into Advocare) commented on it.  She said something about doing what is "proven" to work in regards to weight loss (meaning journaling, etc).   I wanted to FB smack her upside the head.  I think she weighs like 105 lbs dripping wet.  Seriously.  I think the only time she's weighed more was during her 2 pregnancies (I didn't know her then).  I don't think she has ever struggled with weight loss.  But she sells Advocare now and so she knows . .. right?  What-freaking-ever!  Bite me.  I'm sorry but you don't know what it's like.  You don't know what it feels like to wear a size 18-20 jeans.  You just don't.   You don't know what it's like to try on multiple outfits when you go out in order to find the one that makes you look the least fat.  You don't know what it's like to think about what you are going to eat next. . . to feel guilty about something you ate. . . to stress over every bite that goes in your mouth.  You flat out don't!  That's what I wanted to say.  Instead I said nothing.   I would venture to guess that most people wouldn't look at me and call me "fat".   I carry extra weight, but I'm 5'10" and I carry it fairly well. . . but. . . I think I'm fat.  I stress over how much weight my horse has to carry.   I know for a fact that at one point in my life I should have stopped riding him simply because of my weight.  That's depressing.  Weight loss is a struggle.  It doesn't end.  Every day. . . every meal. . . every snack. . . it a battle that you win or lose.   I literally stress over everything I eat. Which is ironic cause I can sure binge in the evenings.   This battle won't end.  I won't reach my happy weight and suddenly just live a happy life there.  No.  I will have to constantly fight to stay at that weight.  And that's depressing.   It sucks to look at "naturally" skinny people and watch them eat without a second thought to what they put in their mouths.  That's not me.  That will never be me.   And as much as some people say the understand, unless they've been there they just can't possibly.   So I continue to fight the battles.   I think I lost this morning with the muffin.  However, as long as I don't let that define my day, I consider it a tie. 

183.6

I think that is my highest weight in several months. :( I refuse to look so I won't be depressed. I'm just going to move on with my plans of no chocolate and candy. I'm going to drink lots of water and keep working out. My jeans still fit. I'm wearing a size 10 right now. . . that's a freaky thing as I generally can't fit into 10's but I have 2 pairs. They were snug when I bought them and they still are. So no real changes.

I forgot to do my fat % till I got to work. So it's not totally accurate but I'll mark it down as 29.3%. Again - UP UP UP. Blah! I forgot to do it this morning as I was too worried about packing the dang monitor cause a guy at work wanted to try it. I also had a bit of a spat with my hubby last night and slept on the couch. So I was out of sorts this morning. But. . . the couch is amazing! My hip and back don't hurt at all today! WOW!

I pigged out yesterday! I ate everything chocolate I could. I got my chocolate smoothie from starbucks. Which isn't terribly unhealthy, but I then proceeded to eat a McD's cheeseburger for dinner. By the time I got to my 6:00 photography class I felt like I could upchuck. :) When I got home I ate my 2 tiny slivers of king cake my hubby saved. I'm not sure how I spent $46 on a cake and only ended up with 2 tiny slivers while my MIL has half a cake at her house. Let's just say that started the little spat last night. See if I ever buy a freaking king cake from New Orleans again. Screw that!

So it's a new day. I'm fat. I have a session at the gym and hopefully all will be well.

Have a great day everyone!

I'm fat!

Yes you read that right. I've lost 70-75 lbs depending on the day and I'm still fat. Why do I say that? Because I think I am. I still have jiggly stupid fat. I still have love handles. And the scary part is that I don't think some of that is going to go away. I think the love handle area is actually lose skin. *gasp* This is horrifying to me. Last night as I got in the shower I stood and looked at my naked self in the mirror. I think in some ways I was happier with my body when I was fatter. (Fatter - cause I'm still fat!) Why? Because it was "firm". Firm in the sense that it wasn't saggy. BLAH! I sag everywhere. My boobs are saggy sacks of nothing. Not that they were much to begin with. I swear I'd totally have a boob job if someone were to pay for it. Not because I want bigger, but because I want prettier. I always have, they've always been fugly.

Now the second reason I'm fat is because mentally I'm fat. I'm still shocked by photos. I still feel like the fat girl in the room. I'm shocked sometimes when I see my reflection. But I'm not at goal. I don't have a goal weight. I have a goal feeling. Or a goal size. In some ways I have a weight. That weight is kind of wherever I feel comfortable and not panicky about gaining.

Let me see if I can give an example. I'm going to lay it all out there for you. Ready for the numbers?

Most people don't ever guess how much I weighed initially. I need to dig up some pics, but since I'm at work, that's not going to happen right now. I gained 50-ish lbs in 2009 because of my thyroid going whacky again. I clocked in at a maximum weight of 250lbs! Most people would never guess that. The people I tell that to are shocked. I'm 5'10" and I manage to carry my weight fairly well. Luck me huh? lol.

I started a diet on my own around Easter 2010. I did a detox that shed some weight. Then I started going to the gym. I think my weight when I started at the gym with my trainer was around 230-something. That was June 2010. My weight at my wedding was about 210 (April 2011). Not quite where I wanted it, but I thought I looked good. (Till I look back now.)

Today I weighed 179.8. I track my weight daily. I've been as low as 175.8 normally. By normally I mean when I wasn't sick. I was sick for several days in November and I got to 172-something. That was awesome! I'm a bit up from where I like to be. I like to hover at 176-177.8. I'm panicking a bit. But I'm working out hard and my clothes still fit. However, that 180 mark scares me.

That's what I mean by comfortable weight. I wanted to be below 200. I stayed at 195-ish for quite some time. I was uncomfortable there. I was SCARED of going above 200 again. I wanted to see what I looked like at 175. That was my "dream" first goal. Well I guess I got there. Close enough. But now I'm scared of going above that 180 mark. So where is my comfortable weight? I think it's in the 160's. Or at least below 175. I'm not sure. Time will tell.

But regardless I'm still fat. I'm still addicted to candy and sweets. I eat WAY too much chocolate! Today my goal is to eat less chocolate. Notice that I didn't say *no* chocolate. LOL. I leave for Cancun in under 2 weeks and I'd like to back in the 176 range so I can feel like it's ok to eat! :)