2016 resolutions

I hate New Year's.  Why?  Because it marks the passing of another year.  Because it shows me 365 days have gone by and what have I accomplished?  In 2015 I did work on my health/weight quite a bit and that was good. But really not much else.  I have time anxiety.  I stress every day over how much time I have left in the day.  How much I have to do in that amount of time.  And I stress about the overall passing of time and getting older.  I'm 37.  I'm not where I expected to be in life at this age. 

I shared these goals on FB and I'll share them here.  My "official" 2016 New Year's resolutions.

1. Continue on the healthy journey I started in 2015.

2. Be thankful for my health each day. 

3. Run a 10K race. I’ve ran the distance, but not an official run.

4. Try not to fit so much into each day. 

5. Relax about “time”. 

6. Think before I speak.

7. Be less impromptu about spending money. 

8. Stress less about decisions.

9. Be more organized and reduce clutter in my living spaces.

10. Spend Christmas 2016 in a house.  Yes a new house, but an actual house. 


Some of these will be much harder than others.  And number 10 is going to be the deal breaker on my marriage.  If that doesn't happen I don't think I'll be married by the end of this year.  So I expect a tough year ahead. I am not looking forward to it.

I'm starting the year sick.  I got sick yesterday and it got worse as the day went on.  I probably should have stayed home just to rest today but I feel like my husband doesn't support me staying home from work.  I have no idea why but I guess I feel like he thinks I should "suck it up" and go to work.  After all, back in August when I was *sick*  (I wish I had a name for what was wrong with me) he told me to take a shot of whiskey and deal with the pain.  So that's the kind of attitude he has.  So I came to work.  Yay me.  Happy New Year's to those of you that are excited about it. I just realized it's a 366 day year.  Oh yay.  One more day to accomplish my list above.  

Hot Chocolate 15K 2015

This was my third year running this race.  I LOVE this race!  This year when I got sick (first post here), I had already signed up for this race (we signed up in May).  I was worried there was no way I'd be able to do this run.  But I was determined that somehow I'd cross the finish line.  

The first year I did this race, the high was 20 degrees for the day and the race was under a weather advisory.  This year we are unseasonably warm with highs in the 60's (yesterday we hit 70) and today's forecast was all rain.  It's grossly hot in my opinion and unhealthy for animals, but many people are happy that it's this warm.  I was really worried about the rain and watched the forecast non-stop.  I was so worried about getting soaked.  I've been caught in the rain, but never voluntarily started a long run knowing I'd be rained on the whole time.  Needless to say I was stressed. 

Yesterday we went to get our packets.  If you were in the first 15% to sign up, you got special city embroidery on your jackets. 

See the "St Louis 2015 Finisher" below the Hot Chocolate logo?  I thought the StL skyline was nice addition as well.  I love this race - it has one of the best goodie bags that I've ever had. 

We got up bright and early this AM, and it wasn't raining.  Woo hoo!  But the forecast was rain and the radar didn't look good.  I forgot to take a screenshot of the radar before the run - but this was around noon and you can see that basically we are having an all day rain. 

We drove to St Louis for a 7:30 start time and it was dripping by the time we got there.   I started to worry about how exactly I'd get through 9.3 miles with wet shoes/socks.  We walked to the Soldier's Memorial, where the race and post-race set up was.  We immediately used the ports-potty and it was about 7 am.  It was windy, damp and I was chilled.  We headed towards corrals but I wanted to use the bathroom one more time.  It was the whole "I'm cold and need to pee" feeling.  We got in a line and I knew there was no way we'd be able to make it before the start.  So we gave  up and got in our corral.  We were in corral B and I'm not sure why.  There were pacers from 10:30 - 11:30 in our corral, but there were pacers in the 9:xx range in corrals behind us.  I didn't understand that and when those group passed us on the course it really wasn't all that cool.  I felt like I was getting passed by a large crowd. 

The race started on time and it was dripping. I made the dumb decision to put a plastic poncho on while waiting in the corral.  That didn't last the first mile.  I felt like I was in a sauna.  I took it off and trashed it.  I basically got too hot to start and I paid for it.  My face felt like it was fire red through mile 5-6.  My husband ran the 5K and we didn't stick together at the start.  I can't stick with him knowing I have such a long race before me.  But I have to admit that he did amazing and we actually both crossed our respective 5K markers (the course split at mile 2.6) at the exact SAME time.  I thought that was CRAZY.  The time (the actual time of day) was 8:08 that we both crossed our 5K markers.  34:43 was my time.  His was 1 second behind me, I think cause he was a second later across the start.  My husband does NOT run or train at all.  He just does these runs with me for fun and he rocked this 5K.  I was kind of jealous of his time.  I train for this and he practically beat me!

I did really well through the 6 mile and 6.2 mile split.  But then things went down hill.  I walked a few times and then right after I crossed the mile 8 marker we hit a rather long hill.  I think it was about 1/2 mile of hill.  That's why mile 9 was the worse time.  All StL races that I've done end up hill.  Once we got over this hill and headed back near the finish we had a few small hills including up to the final turn to the finish.  It really sucks when you have 0.2 miles to go and are just getting killed by a hill!  I was really proud of my splits through mile 6.  I really need to train on hills more often in order to really improve my time in this race. 

 I beat last year by 52 seconds.  That wasn't as much as I hoped.  But I will say that my only goal was to finish this race!  I always want to beat the time from the previous year, but I was so thankful that I was healthy enough to run this race. 

The chocolate fondue finisher mug is fantastic.  This year it was hard to eat because we couldn't sit on the ground - it was a muddy mess. So holding the mug and eating was a challenge. I should say that the weather held out in the sense that there was never more than a light drizzle.  My shoes only got wet really when I stepped in a puddle or kicked water onto my feet myself.  I'm so thankful for that!

We really had a great time and are already talking about next year.  I asked my hubby if he wants to do the 15K?  Ha!!  Or if he actually trains for the 5k - he'd whoop my butt!!!!

My final finish time was 1:47:06 and a pace of 11:30/mile.  My Garmin was actually pretty close this year.  I tried not to weave like a crazy person through the crowds. 

Here is a close up of my medal and my jacket embroidery:

We continued our tradition of eating breakfast at Cracker Barrel following this race. I always get Eggs in the Basket.  I call them Hole in One Eggs when I make them at home.  I get them with runny yolks and it's so good.  I get turkey sausage cause quite frankly their turkey sausage rocks and their regular sausage does not!

They say that time heals all wounds.  Well it also fades your memories a bit.  I sometimes tend to "forget" just how much pain I was in during that time I was sick.  I tend to forget how painful it was to put my feet on the ground in the morning.  There were mornings I couldn't put my hair in a pony tail.  There were morning I couldn't get my hand to my mouth to take medicine.  I had pain in almost every single joint.  It was horrible and I think about it and try to take myself back to that time every now and again to remember just what it was like.  People are sympathetic to those with chronic pain, but until you experience you really truly cannot imagine what it's like. Even now. . . even when I've experienced this. . . it's faded and I take my health for granted somewhat now.  Whatever I had hit me with no warning.  I know the date, time and exactly what I was doing when it hit.  I have no clue if it can happen again.  Not getting a diagnosis sucks cause I just don't know what happened or if I'll have to go through that again.  I'm so thankful I'm "healthy" right now.  I'm so happy I was able to run this race.  Don't take your health for granted.  And if you are thinking of taking up an activity like running - do it!  Start small.  But just do it!  There are people that wish they could and they can't.  Be thankful for every little step you can take.  Doesn't matter if you walk or run.  Doesn't matter if you move 1 mile or 9.3 :)  Thanks for reading!

It's vet week and some random updates. . .

It's a week of veterinary madness!  Tuesday my hubby took our three little outside kitty babies to the vet.  Wednesday they got fixed.  Yesterday morning he picked them up.  We are so glad to have them home.  Wednesday and Thursday mornings were so quiet.  Usually when I leave I look for three crazy kitties running around in the cool morning playing with leaves and various other things that kitties think are toys.  Even though they are outside kitties, their absence was felt and we were so glad to have them home.

This is Puddin'.   Or sometimes it's Puddin' Pop or just Pudds (however you spell that!).

He looks so big in that photo without a frame of reference.  But they are about 5 months old.

Yesterday I took my Sophie girl to the cardiologist for her checkup.

Sophie has been in heart failure for three years.  Her prognosis was 6 months - 2 years.  The vet called her a miracle kitty last night.  It's been just over 9 months since her last visit.  That was not necessarily good and was totally my fault.  But she is remaining steady and only needed an increase in her potassium supplement.   She gets a *lot* of pills every day to keep her alive.  It makes traveling very very difficult.  It's hard to find someone to pill your cat, much less to do it 3 times a day.

The week continues through this coming Wednesday when I take Eli to the University of Missouri in Columbia MO.   He's been off in his neck since I returned from Canada.  I had started to address it then I got sick. Since he's completely happy when not being ridden I let him chill while I focused on myself.  But come Wednesday morning we will be loading up bright and early to start the trek to Columbia.  Our appt is at 10 am and we are told it can take all day or longer.  I'm already making a packing list - overnight bag just in case, food, drinks, snacks, phone chargers!

I figure by the end of the day Wednesday I'll be broke.  It truly is a crazy vet week.  Mr Blue is the only animal I own that isn't seeing the Dr. . . yet. . . .I better not jinx it. 

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So it's been 7 week since I got sick. . . I saw my doc this week.  She said it's infectious and not autoimmune.  She is still leaning toward Lyme.  I replied that I didn't respond to antibiotics as quickly (if at all) as I should have.  She said that was a good point.  But then said what else would it be?  I replied a virus. She said it lasted long and what virus?  Well mono can last months. . .  so that was my only response.  

My pain level in my joints is almost none.  The last two mornings I got up out of bed and stood on my BARE feet.  No crocs.  I've been wearing crocs in the house at all times, except the shower.  It was so nice to be barefoot.  Today and yesterday I wore normal shoes (not crocs!) to work.  It was kind of weird . . . Wednesday evening I noticed my feet felt a LOT better and it was kind of a night and day difference.  Like a switch was flipped.  

However I still have vision issues.  And now I have some dizzy type issues.  I will feel like I'm on a boat.  The world kind of tilts back and forth.  So I'm not cured for sure.  I just hope that these last two things go away.  The vision shooters happen more than the dizzy and they are annoying.  And of course both issues are worrisome :(

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I'm fat. Yes you read that right.  I'm gaining weight.  Since I got sick and specifically since I was in the ER, I've been eating like crap.  I knew it would catch up to me.  But it took a while.  When I gained 3 lbs I didn't panic. I  was unable to exercise.  I knew I'd gain some. No big deal. Just get well enough to run.  But really I'm just being *bad*.  I eat ice cream almost every day.  Tuesday was National Ice Cream Cone Day.  I got a cone from Sonic.  I learned that Sonic was confused about what day to celebrate and they were having half price cones on Wednesday.  I went back and got another on Wednesday. 

I find some way to eat ice cream almost every day.  Yesterday I got one of those M&M cookie sandwiches at the gas station.  I have got to buckle down and get this under control.  My weight this AM?  185.2  I was around 179 when I went to the ER.  I know I was in the 170's when I saw my doc 2 days later.  It's time to suck up and get back on the clean eating band wagon. 

It's been 6 weeks. . .

and one day since I first got "sick".  I'm tired of it.  No joke.  The good news, I suppose, is that I'm getting better very slowly.  The bad news is that I have a few new symptoms.  My head feels very weird at times. . . almost dizzy.  Nothing spins, but maybe it feels like the ground is tilting?  I haven't figured out how to explain it well.  I had one bad moment with that where I was standing next to my husband, grabbed him till it seemed to leave and then I sat down.  I also had 2 fingers randomly start tingling for just a couple mins at lunch on Saturday.  That was freaky and scary.   Not going to lie.  I thought "oh shit, ER here I come."  Thankfully it went away fast and hasn't been back.  I still have the vision shooter things though. 

My 40 day treatment of antibiotics ends today.  I have one more dose left.  I'm nervous.  I'm still not sure this isn't Lyme disease.  If it is, I've read that those little jerk off bacteria are hard to kill.  That people go off antibiotics and the symptoms return.  I see my doc again Tues, so that'll be day 4 of no medicine.  Hopefully I will know by then.   I'm also no longer on any OTC medication (Advil and Aleve).   So I'm hopeful that I really am getting better.  I'm on a homeopathic remedy called Rhus Tox and I'm wondering if that's messing with my head?  I don't know!

I went to the gym last night!  3 miles on the treadmill.  I ran 1/4 mile 4 times for a total of a mile running.  I *had* to see how it felt.  I'm sick and tired of being a lazy sack of potatoes.  I'm going to do the same thing this weekend. Today I have my first full body massage since I got sick.  I *cannot* wait. Not only have I not been active, but my eating is horrible.  Horrendous.  I'm embarrassed.    I need to get my act together. 

I've been trying to do things to relax.  I know I'm a stressed person.  I let everything stress me.  So I've been taking epsom salt baths.  I figure it can't hurt, it might help and it gives me some forced time to sit and do nothing!

I've also been hitting up the Oriental Energy massage parlor on the mall and having the little Asian dudes give me foot massages.  They can be intense and sometimes hurt, but I enjoy them.  I've been there three times.  The last time the guy said "Why you always come in for just your feet so much?"  Ha! :)  

I've also been coloring.  My aunt used to color.  I distinctly remember her coloring mandalas and other geometric designs.   I've had a couple books for a long time and never really did much.  So I broke them out, bought a few more and started coloring.  It's relaxing.  You can't rush coloring. 

This one I found in my book already finished:

And since I started this again I've colored three more. 

I'm really trying to reduce the stress in my life.  Unfortunately I'm not very good at that.  I just worry.  I just stress when goals aren't being reached.  Since I got back from Canada, Eli has also had an issue going on that means I can't ride him.  So we will probably be going to the University of Missouri in a couple weeks.  It's always something. . . . 

5 week update

It was 5 weeks ago when I was just walking during recess and got slammed with this "sickness".  It feels like 5 months.   

Currently my biggest complaint is my feet.

Generally they don't hurt when I'm not on them.  But it's the initial standing/walking that hurts.  And sometimes it hurts bad.  This morning I got up and they were the best they've been in a long time!  I was pretty happy with that.  But they seem to hurt more later in the day.  When I first got sick, mornings were worse. 

This past weekend I got the guts to try the Oriental Energy massage place in my local mall.  I got a 30 min foot massage from a middle aged Asian guy that smelled like stale smoke.  We didn't communicate well but the massage was good, if not a bit too strong in some areas for my poor sore little feet.  

My hands are almost normal when I wake up, but my wrists are still tender and don't like certain movements.  For example, I grab my purse in my right hand and try to put it on my right shoulder with the same hand.  The wrist has to bend and support the purse quite a bit for that movement.  No one thinks twice about doing this, I never did.   Now I have to use my opposite hand.  

My knees suck. Standing and sitting, going up and down stairs. . . .all tender.  But what's worse is that yesterday I was at Michael's and I squatted down to look at something on a shelf without thinking about it.  Holy shit!  I don't think I've squatted since I got sick.  Wowza.  Holy effing pain!  I shot up like a bullet and almost cried.   So I will continued to squat once or twice a day to monitor this.  I can only imagine that it got better since all this started, because everything has.  Which makes me think a few weeks ago I might have fell over and landed on my ass in the store.  Who knows! 

Today I'm going to get xrays of my feet.  If I have RA, a rhuematologist would monitor joint damage.  I don't think I have any at this point, but this could be a baseline xray.  And I got to pick which joint to xray.  My right foot hasn't been the same since I rolled it over a stair step.  So why not just see if anything is going on there. 

I was given permission to walk and I hated it.  I want to run.  I have only walked once.  And if I'm worse the next day I have to stop.  I was in severe foot pain the same night.  So I haven't done it since.  But I really overdid it that day.  So since the weekend was so hot and humid I decided to wait for better weather and try again.  This weekend looks like it will be nice and chilly in the AM.  I have a *secret* goal.  I want to be running by: 

I am signed up for the Hot Chocolate 15K in Dec.  This will be my third year in a row.  So I have high hopes I can start running my Oct 1.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!  I don't know if this is a far-fetched goal or not honestly, but it's my secret hope.  I need to run again!  

Invisible Illness

I am still undiagnosed.  I see my Dr tomorrow and I know she's going to give me an autoimmune diagnosis.  It'll probably be rheumatoid arthritis or lupus.  Things I don't want to have for the rest of my life :(  

I've alternated between being pissed off and angry, believing that they are wrong and this will go away and believing everything will be fine cause I'll put it in remission.   I don't know what will actually happen.  I'm very very sloooowly feeling better and as a result my personality is better and I feel like the "old" me.  Cause quite frankly for a couple weeks I felt like the old me died and I had to figure out who this knew person was.  I expect I'll feel like that again. 

I need to find a therapist.  I have the issue of insurance changing in Nov and that makes finding new providers a risk.   I need therapy for stress management, dealing with whatever is wrong with me, working on myself and how I communicate with my husband.  We really need marriage therapy, but I don't see that happening.  My marriage is my biggest source of stress.  And that makes me . . . stressed.  

The problem with this is that I "look" fine.   Usually.  There are times that people tell me that I don't look good.  But in general I look normal.  Except for the crocs on my feet.  Ha!  They are the most comfortable things for my achy painful little feet.  Ouch!  I move the best when I'm wearing crocs.  I don't care if I look a fool. :)   My husband informed me I haven't been happy for five weeks last night.  Well tomorrow is 4 weeks of this illness. He's off by one. . . but he clearly doesn't understand what it's like to constantly think about this, to constantly have aches and pains, to not be able to do the small things that you use to do, or some of the large things, to ponder that you have something wrong with you for the rest of your life. . . .  I could use some support instead of being reprimanded for not being happy.  This is tough.  This sucks.  I read and read and make myself sick with stress.   I need to not stress or be stressed and maybe that will help.  I've been researching natural cures. . . plant based diet (I don't know if I can do that), cherry juice, red wine and the ingredient from the grapes that's in the wine. . . anything and everything I can find to naturally go into remission should I really have something autoimmune.  Oh by the way, the negative tests for all this don't mean jack apparently.  But the drugs for these illnesses. . . many have horrible side effects like Lymphoma . . . ummm no.  That drug is not going in my body if I can help it!  

So that's where I'm at right now.  Very dismal isn't it.  I hope to post something happy again eventually.  When I actually feel happy. :(

I'm "sick"

3 weeks ago today I was walking at recess and I felt sickness overcome me.  I felt achy (like a fever) and I got a bit sweaty and nauseous.  The last 2 went away quickly.  I think it was a reaction to how fast it came on.  Joint aches continued and by Saturday I was unable to walk in the middle of the night cause my feet hurt so badly. Do you know how many joints are in your feet!  OMG.  They hurt.  I ended up in the ER Sunday evening - Aug 9th.  Since then my life has been a mess. I'm undiagnosed.   I've been tested for Lyme twice, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, Mono, autoimmune markers and now we are waiting for parvovirus test results.  Yes you read that right.  It's not just for dogs.  It's fifth's disease in kids and generally referred to as parvovirus B19 in adults.  If that's negative then they are going to treat me for autoimmune or send me to a rheumatologist.  I'm not going to lie.   I'm flat out depressed.  I cry every single day. I want my life back.  I can't run.  I can barely walk at times.  I have joint aches.  My hand and wrists hurt at times and I have to adjust how I do things because I can't lift or grip things.  I honestly keep hoping I will wake up from this nightmare, but I don't.  Every morning I'm afraid to put my feet on the ground.  Will I be able to stand?  Can I take a step?  It's rare that I'm ever pain free.  If I am it's the middle of the day when I've moved just enough (but not too much) and I have enough pain meds in me to alleviate this.  I hate this.  HATE it.  I don't quite understand how this happened.  Or why this happened.  Or how I should live with this going forward.   For reasons I'm not ready to share, I've always felt like something bad would happen to me when I was 36 years old.  I'm 36.  I started to relax about that because I turn 37 in November.  But here we are.  My life has suddenly and completely changed.   This is where I am right now.  This is why I haven't posted any updates.  And I have more that I can say, but I'm really just too upset to share much more.  I appreciate any good thoughts and well wishes or prayers that you want to send my way.  Thanks!

Just so tired. . .

I've just been so tired lately.  It started when I got sick last week.  I had a cold/sinus/allergies or something like that and it slammed me.  I have a runny nose occasionally still, but my eyes are so fatigued.  They just want to be closed.  I thought maybe it's allergies.  I took zyrtec the last 2 days but didn't notice much difference.  Last night my husband and I both fell asleep in the living room by 8 pm.  It's very strange for him to fall asleep like that.  But it did help both of us with our evening snacking issue!   I think if this continues to next week I'll make a Dr appt.  Might be time to check my thyroid anyways.  I don't know if my weigh loss will affect the dosage of the meds.  I've kind of been waiting to hit 175 before I pursue that.

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Speaking of weight. . . I clocked in my lowest of the year.

Small little happy dance.  175 truly is my goal for now.  I want to see what I look like and how I feel.  Getting closer! :)  

I've made a different smoothie than normal this week.  Usually I use a chocolate protein powder, banana, ice and almond milk.   This week I've been using my Advocare Vanilla Meal Replacement Shake, almond milk, berries and ice.  Yum!  I make a huge breakfast smoothie. 

32 oz bubba there! :)  It's great. I sip on it at work in the AM.  And then I freeze my ass off cause it's cold in the my office *and* the smoothie makes me colder for at least 30 mins after drinking it. (yes that's my Yadi bobblehead peeking over my cup!)

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My car is in the shop.  I need new tie rods apparently.  I don't pretend to know what that is.  My husband's friend is a mechanic.   And apparently Toyota makes replacing the *inner* tie rods a bitch.  They won't sell them separately but they want you to buy the big huge thing they are attached to.  Yes I'm a girl and I don't know what I'm talking about.  What I do know is that inner tie rods run about $35-ish a piece.  And this big huge part runs about $900.  So we are actually trying to replace just the tie rods if it works.  Fingers crossed!  They should be in today.  I hope to have my car back no later than tomorrow. 

So I'm driving our truck.  It's a 3/4 ton Dodge Ram.  My work parking lot is so small it's kind of a PITA to park it.  I like driving it when my horse trailer is attached, but to just drive it as a regular vehicle - it's just too big.  I also drive it slower because of the size I guess. . . so it takes me longer to get to work.  Yesterday when I got to the barn I took my ring off and thought it looked pretty in the little place I found in the truck to stash it. 

I'm sure I've mentioned it before.  I bought that as a reward a few years ago when I got out of the 200's.  I won't let myself wear it if I weight 200 or above.  It's a ONEDERLAND ring :)   I often wear it as a wedding band because it's easier to wear than my wedding set.  And since I take rings off everyday when I get to the barn, it's easier to take off one than three.   I'm so thrilled to be wearing it almost daily now.  It was probably a whole year that I was in the 200's and that baby sat in my jewelry box. 

Staying the same. . .

I had *really* hoped to post a loss today.  Really I was on track.  But I was sick.  And when I'm sick I'm not so strict on what I eat.  I have a sore throat so I like to eat constantly. :(   Plus I like soda cause the bubbles feel good.  I was way slack this week, but still getting my runs in.  I know my weight was down, but I guess I should be happy that it stayed at 203.8 today and I didn't gain this week.   My fat % was 35.2 last week and that went down. . . 

So maybe the fact I was lower on the scale this week helped.  Or maybe that was a fluke.  Who knows!

I'm a bit worried cause we are going out of town next weekend.  I'm still going to weigh on Friday and hope that I'm down a bit cause I know I'll go up next weekend. I'm ok with that mentally though.  Here's the thing - we need a break.  We need a bit of time together.  I need to get away and have a day off work.  So I intend to enjoy it.  And if there are some cupcake purchased next weekend (GIGI'S!!!!!!)  then that's just life. :)  I'm totally ok with it.   

I wish I had more to post, but I feel like poop.  Who gets sick in July?!  This is unbelievable.  At least it's not blazing hot outside.  I can still run and I don't feel totally awful.  It's really only my head that is sucky.  Head and throat.  I wish it was stomach cause then I would not eat! :)  

Have a great weekend everyone!