Historic Moment and some other random things. . .

I'm 5'10" and have struggled to find clothing that is long enough. Jeans are a continuous problem.  Skirts have been impossible for a long time.  Long skirts stop at a funky spot on me, not just below the knee, not mid calf, but somewhere mid calf to ankle.  Basically in a funky spot that they should not stop and therefore I've never been able to wear long skirts.  Through the years of trying them on, I've also that that even if they were long enough, that I didn't look good in them.  I've always felt they've made me look like I have huge hips.  And lets be honest I have had huge hips.  That's my problem area.  Earlier this summer a FB friend suggested I try Kohl's.  I did and I actually found a skirt that was long enough.  I didn't have a chance to wear it.  I got it in early July, went to Canada, got sick. . . suddenly it's fall.  But I wore it to a wedding this weekend.  I called this a historic moment and had to get photographic proof. :) 

It felt weird to walk around and feel the skirt at my ankles.  At my ANKLES!!!! I pulled it off and didn't think I looked too dorky.  I refused to wear a short dress so it was this or pants.

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I started my weekend with a 3 mile run/walk on Sat.  I repeated that on Sunday.  Remember I had a goal of running by Oct 1st.  Well I consider this success.  I'm not running the full distance, but that wasn't the goal. The goal to be hitting the pavement and putting in the miles.

My lung capacity isn't the best and my heart rate sometimes gets too high. But I'm working on it and I'll get it back.  It's going to take time, but I knew that going in.  6+ weeks of laying around doing nothing had to have some kind of impact.

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It feels good to be working out again cause I'm fat. I see it in that skirt photo.  I'm slowing reintroducing advocare back into my life.  I missed it.  But I cut out all supplements other than what the doc told me to take for my illness.  I'm not very good at taking a lot of stuff.  So I had a hard time keeping up with what I needed to take to get better.  So I'm back on the wagon!  I feel like I have the willpower today to get through the day without eating sugary things and without soda.

Spark helps with avoiding the soda.  Advocare doesn't make a variety box.  I bought all flavors and made my own variety boxes.  I still have some that I'd like to sell.  These are packaged in the older square packaging (except for 2 flavors), so I have a special price on them.  If you've wanted to try spark, or try all the flavors, let me know.  If you aren't local I'll ship them to you.  Ask me about the price!

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On Sunday we went to the last Cardinals home game of the regular season.  There was a special for all inclusive seats and we sat on the Powerade Bridge. 

I pigged out yesterday.  I don't even want to think about.  The scale is *so* high this morning.  This was my *first* round at the buffet.  I made my own brisket nachos.  I went back for a hotdog and more cookies.  We had Chinese for dinner.  Ahh!  Today is *going* to be good.  I feel fat and that is motivation to be good. 

I took a fun photo of a bracelet that I got on etsy. 

I wear that to every game.  I LOVE it! 

We ride the Redbird Express to the game.  Because there was also a football game in StL yesterday the traffic was awful.  It took us over 30 mins to get out of downtown and let's just say I'm surprised we didn't get in a wreck.  Our bus driver lady was NUTS!  But we were talking to the people sitting behind us.  We were in sideways seats and they were in front facing seats so it was pretty easy to chat.  And suddenly I realized that the man seemed *very* familiar.  Maybe he was my 8th grade science teacher?  So I asked.  I was wrong, but he was my teacher.  He was my math teacher when I was a Jr.  I had him for Trig/Pre-Calc.  He was one of my favorite teachers!  His voice was so familiar but I couldn't place him at first.  I think since he was wearing a hat it threw me off.  It was fun to catch up and also fun to tell him that I went on to get a degree in math.   Now I might be looking for him on the bus next season!  

It's vet week and some random updates. . .

It's a week of veterinary madness!  Tuesday my hubby took our three little outside kitty babies to the vet.  Wednesday they got fixed.  Yesterday morning he picked them up.  We are so glad to have them home.  Wednesday and Thursday mornings were so quiet.  Usually when I leave I look for three crazy kitties running around in the cool morning playing with leaves and various other things that kitties think are toys.  Even though they are outside kitties, their absence was felt and we were so glad to have them home.

This is Puddin'.   Or sometimes it's Puddin' Pop or just Pudds (however you spell that!).

He looks so big in that photo without a frame of reference.  But they are about 5 months old.

Yesterday I took my Sophie girl to the cardiologist for her checkup.

Sophie has been in heart failure for three years.  Her prognosis was 6 months - 2 years.  The vet called her a miracle kitty last night.  It's been just over 9 months since her last visit.  That was not necessarily good and was totally my fault.  But she is remaining steady and only needed an increase in her potassium supplement.   She gets a *lot* of pills every day to keep her alive.  It makes traveling very very difficult.  It's hard to find someone to pill your cat, much less to do it 3 times a day.

The week continues through this coming Wednesday when I take Eli to the University of Missouri in Columbia MO.   He's been off in his neck since I returned from Canada.  I had started to address it then I got sick. Since he's completely happy when not being ridden I let him chill while I focused on myself.  But come Wednesday morning we will be loading up bright and early to start the trek to Columbia.  Our appt is at 10 am and we are told it can take all day or longer.  I'm already making a packing list - overnight bag just in case, food, drinks, snacks, phone chargers!

I figure by the end of the day Wednesday I'll be broke.  It truly is a crazy vet week.  Mr Blue is the only animal I own that isn't seeing the Dr. . . yet. . . .I better not jinx it. 

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So it's been 7 week since I got sick. . . I saw my doc this week.  She said it's infectious and not autoimmune.  She is still leaning toward Lyme.  I replied that I didn't respond to antibiotics as quickly (if at all) as I should have.  She said that was a good point.  But then said what else would it be?  I replied a virus. She said it lasted long and what virus?  Well mono can last months. . .  so that was my only response.  

My pain level in my joints is almost none.  The last two mornings I got up out of bed and stood on my BARE feet.  No crocs.  I've been wearing crocs in the house at all times, except the shower.  It was so nice to be barefoot.  Today and yesterday I wore normal shoes (not crocs!) to work.  It was kind of weird . . . Wednesday evening I noticed my feet felt a LOT better and it was kind of a night and day difference.  Like a switch was flipped.  

However I still have vision issues.  And now I have some dizzy type issues.  I will feel like I'm on a boat.  The world kind of tilts back and forth.  So I'm not cured for sure.  I just hope that these last two things go away.  The vision shooters happen more than the dizzy and they are annoying.  And of course both issues are worrisome :(

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I'm fat. Yes you read that right.  I'm gaining weight.  Since I got sick and specifically since I was in the ER, I've been eating like crap.  I knew it would catch up to me.  But it took a while.  When I gained 3 lbs I didn't panic. I  was unable to exercise.  I knew I'd gain some. No big deal. Just get well enough to run.  But really I'm just being *bad*.  I eat ice cream almost every day.  Tuesday was National Ice Cream Cone Day.  I got a cone from Sonic.  I learned that Sonic was confused about what day to celebrate and they were having half price cones on Wednesday.  I went back and got another on Wednesday. 

I find some way to eat ice cream almost every day.  Yesterday I got one of those M&M cookie sandwiches at the gas station.  I have got to buckle down and get this under control.  My weight this AM?  185.2  I was around 179 when I went to the ER.  I know I was in the 170's when I saw my doc 2 days later.  It's time to suck up and get back on the clean eating band wagon. 

It's been 6 weeks. . .

and one day since I first got "sick".  I'm tired of it.  No joke.  The good news, I suppose, is that I'm getting better very slowly.  The bad news is that I have a few new symptoms.  My head feels very weird at times. . . almost dizzy.  Nothing spins, but maybe it feels like the ground is tilting?  I haven't figured out how to explain it well.  I had one bad moment with that where I was standing next to my husband, grabbed him till it seemed to leave and then I sat down.  I also had 2 fingers randomly start tingling for just a couple mins at lunch on Saturday.  That was freaky and scary.   Not going to lie.  I thought "oh shit, ER here I come."  Thankfully it went away fast and hasn't been back.  I still have the vision shooter things though. 

My 40 day treatment of antibiotics ends today.  I have one more dose left.  I'm nervous.  I'm still not sure this isn't Lyme disease.  If it is, I've read that those little jerk off bacteria are hard to kill.  That people go off antibiotics and the symptoms return.  I see my doc again Tues, so that'll be day 4 of no medicine.  Hopefully I will know by then.   I'm also no longer on any OTC medication (Advil and Aleve).   So I'm hopeful that I really am getting better.  I'm on a homeopathic remedy called Rhus Tox and I'm wondering if that's messing with my head?  I don't know!

I went to the gym last night!  3 miles on the treadmill.  I ran 1/4 mile 4 times for a total of a mile running.  I *had* to see how it felt.  I'm sick and tired of being a lazy sack of potatoes.  I'm going to do the same thing this weekend. Today I have my first full body massage since I got sick.  I *cannot* wait. Not only have I not been active, but my eating is horrible.  Horrendous.  I'm embarrassed.    I need to get my act together. 

I've been trying to do things to relax.  I know I'm a stressed person.  I let everything stress me.  So I've been taking epsom salt baths.  I figure it can't hurt, it might help and it gives me some forced time to sit and do nothing!

I've also been hitting up the Oriental Energy massage parlor on the mall and having the little Asian dudes give me foot massages.  They can be intense and sometimes hurt, but I enjoy them.  I've been there three times.  The last time the guy said "Why you always come in for just your feet so much?"  Ha! :)  

I've also been coloring.  My aunt used to color.  I distinctly remember her coloring mandalas and other geometric designs.   I've had a couple books for a long time and never really did much.  So I broke them out, bought a few more and started coloring.  It's relaxing.  You can't rush coloring. 

This one I found in my book already finished:

And since I started this again I've colored three more. 

I'm really trying to reduce the stress in my life.  Unfortunately I'm not very good at that.  I just worry.  I just stress when goals aren't being reached.  Since I got back from Canada, Eli has also had an issue going on that means I can't ride him.  So we will probably be going to the University of Missouri in a couple weeks.  It's always something. . . . 

5 week update

It was 5 weeks ago when I was just walking during recess and got slammed with this "sickness".  It feels like 5 months.   

Currently my biggest complaint is my feet.

Generally they don't hurt when I'm not on them.  But it's the initial standing/walking that hurts.  And sometimes it hurts bad.  This morning I got up and they were the best they've been in a long time!  I was pretty happy with that.  But they seem to hurt more later in the day.  When I first got sick, mornings were worse. 

This past weekend I got the guts to try the Oriental Energy massage place in my local mall.  I got a 30 min foot massage from a middle aged Asian guy that smelled like stale smoke.  We didn't communicate well but the massage was good, if not a bit too strong in some areas for my poor sore little feet.  

My hands are almost normal when I wake up, but my wrists are still tender and don't like certain movements.  For example, I grab my purse in my right hand and try to put it on my right shoulder with the same hand.  The wrist has to bend and support the purse quite a bit for that movement.  No one thinks twice about doing this, I never did.   Now I have to use my opposite hand.  

My knees suck. Standing and sitting, going up and down stairs. . . .all tender.  But what's worse is that yesterday I was at Michael's and I squatted down to look at something on a shelf without thinking about it.  Holy shit!  I don't think I've squatted since I got sick.  Wowza.  Holy effing pain!  I shot up like a bullet and almost cried.   So I will continued to squat once or twice a day to monitor this.  I can only imagine that it got better since all this started, because everything has.  Which makes me think a few weeks ago I might have fell over and landed on my ass in the store.  Who knows! 

Today I'm going to get xrays of my feet.  If I have RA, a rhuematologist would monitor joint damage.  I don't think I have any at this point, but this could be a baseline xray.  And I got to pick which joint to xray.  My right foot hasn't been the same since I rolled it over a stair step.  So why not just see if anything is going on there. 

I was given permission to walk and I hated it.  I want to run.  I have only walked once.  And if I'm worse the next day I have to stop.  I was in severe foot pain the same night.  So I haven't done it since.  But I really overdid it that day.  So since the weekend was so hot and humid I decided to wait for better weather and try again.  This weekend looks like it will be nice and chilly in the AM.  I have a *secret* goal.  I want to be running by: 

I am signed up for the Hot Chocolate 15K in Dec.  This will be my third year in a row.  So I have high hopes I can start running my Oct 1.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!  I don't know if this is a far-fetched goal or not honestly, but it's my secret hope.  I need to run again!  

Invisible Illness

I am still undiagnosed.  I see my Dr tomorrow and I know she's going to give me an autoimmune diagnosis.  It'll probably be rheumatoid arthritis or lupus.  Things I don't want to have for the rest of my life :(  

I've alternated between being pissed off and angry, believing that they are wrong and this will go away and believing everything will be fine cause I'll put it in remission.   I don't know what will actually happen.  I'm very very sloooowly feeling better and as a result my personality is better and I feel like the "old" me.  Cause quite frankly for a couple weeks I felt like the old me died and I had to figure out who this knew person was.  I expect I'll feel like that again. 

I need to find a therapist.  I have the issue of insurance changing in Nov and that makes finding new providers a risk.   I need therapy for stress management, dealing with whatever is wrong with me, working on myself and how I communicate with my husband.  We really need marriage therapy, but I don't see that happening.  My marriage is my biggest source of stress.  And that makes me . . . stressed.  

The problem with this is that I "look" fine.   Usually.  There are times that people tell me that I don't look good.  But in general I look normal.  Except for the crocs on my feet.  Ha!  They are the most comfortable things for my achy painful little feet.  Ouch!  I move the best when I'm wearing crocs.  I don't care if I look a fool. :)   My husband informed me I haven't been happy for five weeks last night.  Well tomorrow is 4 weeks of this illness. He's off by one. . . but he clearly doesn't understand what it's like to constantly think about this, to constantly have aches and pains, to not be able to do the small things that you use to do, or some of the large things, to ponder that you have something wrong with you for the rest of your life. . . .  I could use some support instead of being reprimanded for not being happy.  This is tough.  This sucks.  I read and read and make myself sick with stress.   I need to not stress or be stressed and maybe that will help.  I've been researching natural cures. . . plant based diet (I don't know if I can do that), cherry juice, red wine and the ingredient from the grapes that's in the wine. . . anything and everything I can find to naturally go into remission should I really have something autoimmune.  Oh by the way, the negative tests for all this don't mean jack apparently.  But the drugs for these illnesses. . . many have horrible side effects like Lymphoma . . . ummm no.  That drug is not going in my body if I can help it!  

So that's where I'm at right now.  Very dismal isn't it.  I hope to post something happy again eventually.  When I actually feel happy. :(