Struggling. . .

I find myself struggling with life right now.  As a results of the stress and emotions I am struggling with my food choices.   Friday was out of control stupid.  I just ate everything I saw.  I felt horrible and sluggish.  It's really eye opening when you realize how your food choices make you feel.  But ultimately that didn't stop me from shoving crap in my face.

My sweet tooth is crazy strong.  My Dad loves sweets too.  I blame him as I clearly inherited his sweet tooth.  My boss and coworker were in Switzerland last week and brought me back some chocolate. I  really wanted a hollow bunny, but it died on the way home. :(  (tastes the same though I suppose!)

It's also Easter time. . . the time Baby Binks come out to play.  These are usually sold for $1 and they are my weakness.  I adore hollow chocolate.  I love the candy bunny eyes.  These are a smaller size (till too much, but smaller) and I am addicted.  Did I tell you I was struggling?

I was working on a fitbit streak. How many days in a row could I reach my 10K step goal.  I answered that yesterday.  33 days.

You can see I did not reach goal yesterday (Monday).   That was day 34.  Bummer :( I had a Dr appt after work.  It my yearly woman Dr appt and quite frankly I just drove home after that and I didn't work out.   Streak over.

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So I try hard not to talk about my relationship issues. I can't decide what I should or should not share.  But I guess the thing is, FB is a highlight reel of life.  Everything has to be happy and positive.  I don't necessarily want my blog to be that way.  But how much is too much?  I haven't figured that out.  I blog not necessarily because I think my life is interesting and everyone wants to know about it.  But more because it's almost therapy, like a journal.  I put it "out there" and get it off my chest.  Who reads it?  I don't know.  And that's the magic I think. 

Anyways, before I met my husband he was married for 4 (?) years.  He was a lot larger (I believe almost 300 lbs).  He lost weight (65 lbs I think) before I met him.  So I've only seen pics of him at his largest.  He's joined me on my healthy journey and is currently checking in around 205-208 he tells me.  He's the smallest I've ever seen him.   But before I met him, he chewed tobacco.  He quit before he met me.  I think during the time he lost weight.  But I've busted him for chewing.  I can't remember the first time. I feel like it was in the fall and so potentially fall of 2014. . . maybe fall of 2013.  I don't know.  But I found a can of chew in our kitchen cabinet (hidden) last fall.  I called him on it.  I was *not* happy.  I don't like chewing.  I want nothing to do with it and I don't want him to do it.  That it was just another one his lies really threw me over the edge.  It's a whole other story but I really think he's a compulsive liar.  So . . . last night as I was coming home I stopped at the mail box (remember I live in the country and our box is at the end of our driveway).   I opened - no mail.  But what was in the back of the box?  A can of chew.  His brand.  His flavor.  He says it's not his.  I have no logical explanation for why it's not his.  But I have no explanation for why someone else would put it in our box.   It's not a logical hiding place for him.  But . . . people do weird things to mailboxes in the country.  I mean other than smashing them.   My crazy neighbor (yes he's bat shit crazy) had his box stuffed with shitty diapers.  But you know. . . I get it . .  it's cause he's nuts and someone hates him!  A can of chew?  That stuff isn't cheap.  Who would just throw it in our box?   That would be a waste of money.  But why would my husband hide it in the box?   I went for a drive after asking him about this.  I needed space.   I believe it's his no matter what he says.  My mom doesn't know - she also doesn't get why it would be in the mail box.   But I will tell you this. . . I wanted a soda!!!!  I wanted it bad.  A fountain soda.  My drug of choice.  This kind of stress isn't helping me.  I didn't get the soda.  But maybe I should have.  I just came home and ate chocolate.  But I've already fallen into the slippery slope of sweets.  I don't need to fall of the "no soda" bandwagon too. I've got to get myself together.  Any tips and advice for finding my willpower again is greatly appreciated.  

Run for the Chocolate 5K

I'm not going lie.  I thought about skipping this run.  The alarm went off at 6:15 am.  I shut it off and the second went off at 6:30.  It was going to be *really* cold outside and my bed was really warm.  My kitty, Mr Blue, was snuggled up with me giving me purry kitty love.  Why do I pay to run?  Why do I pay to run a race 30+ mins from my house in February?

Yesterday my husband went to pick up the packets.  I suggested that he go get them in case the race was canceled and we couldn't get them Saturday morning.  Yes I was kind of hoping the powers that be would decide for me and simply cancel the race.  Then I wouldn't have any guilt.

I guess because this race is near Valentine's day, they categorize the runners when you sign up.  You have the option of this such as happy couple, bachelor, bachelorette, it's complicated. . . . the shirts reflect your status and each one is a different color.  This year you had the option of a shirt or a beanie.  I chose the shirt, hubby chose the beanie.

This morning we arrived an hour early and sat in the car.   Everyone was sitting in the car.  I'm was dreading the pre-race trip to the porta-potty.  That was going to be frigid and it was exactly as cold as I thought it was going to be!

The race started promptly at 9 am and it was a chilly 14 degrees without the wind chill.  This race takes place pretty much right along the Mississippi River in downtown St Louis.  There's wind.  The first mile I ran with my right hand inside my left fearing frost bite.  Yes I had gloves on.  My right index finger was just so cold I really wondered if I'd get frost bite.  However, I usually have hot hands when running and they warmed up and I had damp gloves at the end.  But. . . I was busting a move my first mile and I got this new record: 

Last year we ran this race and it was short of a 5K.  Significantly short if I remember right. This year it was still short.  They changed the route slightly but I knew it wasn't going to make a solid 3.1 miles.  When I looked at my watch crossing the finish it was 3.0 miles.  My hubby's Garmin said 3.02.  I kept running after the finish to get a solid 5K.  I thought maybe I'd beat my 5k record in my Garmin, but that didn't happen.  Another lady asked me if my watch showed 3 as she me continue to run.  Hers showed 3 too.  That's so frustrating.  This would be my fastest 5K in a race, but the official results are skewed in my opinion (the avg pace is off) because it wasn't 3.1 miles.  I hate that. 

This photo shows us at the start line as well as the goodies at the end.  They gave us chocolate fondue this year!  The race is held at Bissinger's Chocolate in downtown St Louis.  They have amazing chocolate.   The chocolate dipping sauce was so yummy.  They make their own hot chocolate and I wish they would sell it.  It's so creamy and smooth.  They put chocolate covered marshmallows that are topped with peppermint in the hot chocolate.  SOOOO good!  It hit the spot. The melty marshmallows were the best!!!

At the finish like you get these chocolate heart suckers.  A the one water stop on course they gave out the little chocolate hearts.  I just grabbed some and put them in my jacket pocket.  I was running to fast to mess around with eating :) 

Here are our official results  But again it was a 3 mile run.  Here's my Garmin results. 

I'm glad I got my warm and lazy butt out of bed to do this run. We took a pic before leaving and the quote kind of sums this day up for me. . .  I have a love-hate relationship with running sometimes, but I don't quit. 

Runs For Chocolate

I'll do anything for chocolate.  :)  Including running a 5K in 30 degree temps.  Eh, who am I kidding, I'd do that without chocolate.  This morning my hubby and I ran a 5K sponsored by Bissinger's Chocolate in St Louis.   When you sign up you are categorized and you get the respective shirt: Bachelor, Bachelorette, Happy Couple, It's Complicated (teams of 3). . . . 

That's us before the race and a photo of our shirt.  The race wasn't in the best part of St Louis, but they had decent parking so that felt safe.  

We ran along the river! :)  It was actually a nice run.  The temps were perfect for running and it wasn't windy.  The temps have continued to drop through the day and the wind has picked up.  So we got really lucky. 

We were suppose to get a chocolate medal at the end.  We got a chocolate heart sucker. . . . 

They handed out chocolate during the race as well as at the beginning/end.  We grabbed quite a bit.  They also gave out some amazing hot chocolate.  YUM!

I didn't have my Garmin synched to GPS on time so it started about .10 mile behind.  Ugh.  Here are the results though: 

I was really surprised because we did a run/walk.  My husband doesn't train, but he has a pretty fast walk and also runs faster than me.  If he could sustain his run, he'd leave me in the dust.  My hubby shaved some time off his last chip timed 5K though, so he rocked it!

Of course I have to be a dork when crossing the finish! :) 

From the race we went to a few stores, got some free cupcakes at the bakery that did our wedding cake and went out for BBQ.  I will be fat on the scale tomorrow, but that's ok.  I'll buckle down tomorrow.  I would like to see the 180's soon!

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As a side note, this morning was the end of my additional 2 weeks on the Advocare MNS phase.  I lost weight much slower.  But I wasn't as perfect. 

I weighed in at 194.6 this morning, but the app only allows whole numbers.  Losing an inch off my hips and waist is great. But I'm not sure I believe it.  I hate measuring.  Did I mention that.  So I guess I'm going to keep doing this in 2 week increments.  I have another box of MNS.  So at least 2 more weeks.  Fingers crossed the next 2 are better.  Today was not the best start. 

Slippery Slope of Sugar

I gained a pound this morning.  Why?  Cause I ate that stupid cupcake.  And BBQ and a Mountain Dew.  I'm so mad and disappointed in myself.  Not only that but when I baked cookies on Tues I've had one or two every day since.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I've come so far.  I'm one pound heavier than I was on Feb 7th.  This is disappointing. I have to buckle down.  I made the choice last night.  We went to pick up race packets for Saturday.  We had to go to Bissinger's Chocolate to get them.  I didn't buy a single piece of chocolate.  But then I saw that there "The Cup" was on the same block. I've been wanting to go to The Cup for-freaking-ever.  There is one on the IL side of the river, but it's probably a 45 min drive from my house.  I knew there was one on the MO side, but I didn't know where.  Looks like I found it!  And we walked in and left with 2 cupcakes.  I'm kind of frustrated with my husband cause I suggested getting one cupcake to share.  He's not very good about that.  Admittedly he's come a long way and does share food with me so that we don't eat too much or spend too much (like at a ballgame).  But when it comes to sweets he wants his own.  These cupcakes were HUGE.  They are known for being huge.  Mine was soooooo good.  He got maple bacon and I tried it.  Good but not my thing.  I swear I felt my brain short circuiting after I ate this.  

We stopped a very popular BBQ place for dinner after getting our packets.  It was a cold weeknight so there wasn't a line out the door.  I chose to drink a Mt Dew.  My choice.  I'm ok with that.  We ate the cupcakes when we got home.  This morning as I was driving to work I was pondering my choices last night.  The cupcake was the worse choice.  Why?  Because I'm sneaking sweets into my day and that has to stop.  I know the desire to eat a sweet is still here today.  But I don't have the desire for a soda. I  mean if you handed me one I'd want it. But I don't feel the need to seek it out.  I do feel the need to seek out chocolate.   So I've got to buckle down.  I had higher hopes for where I'd be on the scale right now.  Tomorrow is going to be tough being Valentine's Day.  But come Sunday I'm back to being perfect.  End of story.  I have some serious travel coming up and I need to lose more weight BEFORE that travel.  

It's amazing how you can slide right down the slope with just one bite. 

I'm fat!

Yes you read that right. I've lost 70-75 lbs depending on the day and I'm still fat. Why do I say that? Because I think I am. I still have jiggly stupid fat. I still have love handles. And the scary part is that I don't think some of that is going to go away. I think the love handle area is actually lose skin. *gasp* This is horrifying to me. Last night as I got in the shower I stood and looked at my naked self in the mirror. I think in some ways I was happier with my body when I was fatter. (Fatter - cause I'm still fat!) Why? Because it was "firm". Firm in the sense that it wasn't saggy. BLAH! I sag everywhere. My boobs are saggy sacks of nothing. Not that they were much to begin with. I swear I'd totally have a boob job if someone were to pay for it. Not because I want bigger, but because I want prettier. I always have, they've always been fugly.

Now the second reason I'm fat is because mentally I'm fat. I'm still shocked by photos. I still feel like the fat girl in the room. I'm shocked sometimes when I see my reflection. But I'm not at goal. I don't have a goal weight. I have a goal feeling. Or a goal size. In some ways I have a weight. That weight is kind of wherever I feel comfortable and not panicky about gaining.

Let me see if I can give an example. I'm going to lay it all out there for you. Ready for the numbers?

Most people don't ever guess how much I weighed initially. I need to dig up some pics, but since I'm at work, that's not going to happen right now. I gained 50-ish lbs in 2009 because of my thyroid going whacky again. I clocked in at a maximum weight of 250lbs! Most people would never guess that. The people I tell that to are shocked. I'm 5'10" and I manage to carry my weight fairly well. Luck me huh? lol.

I started a diet on my own around Easter 2010. I did a detox that shed some weight. Then I started going to the gym. I think my weight when I started at the gym with my trainer was around 230-something. That was June 2010. My weight at my wedding was about 210 (April 2011). Not quite where I wanted it, but I thought I looked good. (Till I look back now.)

Today I weighed 179.8. I track my weight daily. I've been as low as 175.8 normally. By normally I mean when I wasn't sick. I was sick for several days in November and I got to 172-something. That was awesome! I'm a bit up from where I like to be. I like to hover at 176-177.8. I'm panicking a bit. But I'm working out hard and my clothes still fit. However, that 180 mark scares me.

That's what I mean by comfortable weight. I wanted to be below 200. I stayed at 195-ish for quite some time. I was uncomfortable there. I was SCARED of going above 200 again. I wanted to see what I looked like at 175. That was my "dream" first goal. Well I guess I got there. Close enough. But now I'm scared of going above that 180 mark. So where is my comfortable weight? I think it's in the 160's. Or at least below 175. I'm not sure. Time will tell.

But regardless I'm still fat. I'm still addicted to candy and sweets. I eat WAY too much chocolate! Today my goal is to eat less chocolate. Notice that I didn't say *no* chocolate. LOL. I leave for Cancun in under 2 weeks and I'd like to back in the 176 range so I can feel like it's ok to eat! :)