Losing control . . .

I'm losing control of my eating.  There, I said it.  It's like I'm either *really* good or I'm not.  I can't find a happy medium.  I know some of it is stress.  But some of it is that I just don't care.  I'm back up to 190 and that's stressing me out, but I don't know if I care "enough".  Does that make sense?   The stress in my life is just . . . a lot. . . 

My husband apparently has a larger issue with alcohol than I knew. . . after he totaled his truck a month ago (at 3PM on a Monday afternoon!!!!!!), he's been in "rehab".   What does that entail?  Group therapy 3 times a week. . . which he pretty much thinks is a waste of his time.  He's in a group with people with alcohol and drug issues. . . more drug than alcohol from what he tells me.   And those drug people are your "classic" stereotypical drug users. . some with ankle bracelets on. . . most there cause it's court ordered. . . playing on their phones or even half asleep.  My husband ain't got the patience for that crap and I know he feels like he doesn't fit in and it's a waste of his time.   It's embarrassing to me to even write this blog. . . I'm so ashamed of where my life is right now.  Living with this has been rough but to even realize that this issue is larger than I expected. . .   has been . . . depressing to say the least. I'm pissed off.  I'm hurt.  I'm angry.  I'm sad.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm in disbelief that this is my life and a large part of me wants out.   I feel like this is more than I should say, but I also needed to get some of it out. 

Over Labor Day weekend we went to Cincinnati.  The trip almost got canceled because I came home to find my husband drinking a beer the night before we were suppose to leave. . . did I mention that I can't stand this is my life right now?   This is going to sound crazy, but one of the reasons I wanted to go to Cincy was to go to Taste of Belgium. . . . I saw it on Diner's, Drive-In's and Dives. . .  and since I "lived" in Belgium and I love their waffles. . .  I wanted a "real" Belgium waffle.  I got one. . . more than one. . . 

They were oh so yummy!  We brought 2 packs of 4 (yes that's *eight*) waffles home and topped them with ice cream.  They were amazing and very authentic. 

I discovered there was a Dover Saddlery just outside Cincinnati.  So of course I got something for myself and my main boy. . . 

And in other random news. . . just last night I jumped on the Lularoe bandwagon and I ordered my first pair of leggings.   I hope they live up to all the hype. 

So it's been a month since my last post and I'll probably see you again in another month because quite frankly my life is too depressing to write about. . . 

Small random things. . .

I'm still struggling with food. I'm embarrassed to admit this.  I don't know why I can't ditch the sugar.  Last year was much easier and this year I'm just sucking at it.  I know as Spring arrives and then turns to Summer, that this struggle will only be magnified.  


We went out of town this weekend.  We drove about 1.5 hours north to Springfield IL.  We went for an overnight just to get away.  The IL Horse Fair was going on at the state fairgrounds.   So that was one thing on the to-do list.  I bought these girl scout cookies there,  Did I mention I was struggling?   We don't have this lemon option in my area and I love lemon!

Then we hit up an amazing store called Scheel's.  It's a 2 story store with a Ferris Wheel in the middle!

I call this store a cross between Cabela's and Sport Authority.   It has much more hunting stuff than Sports Authority and more clothing than both stores.  It seems like they have every workout brand there is.  They also have jeans, a sports section with many many teams, a home decor section, a cafe that also sells fudge and ice cream. . . some games kids can play.  The place is amazing.  We always look for sales.  My hubby found an Under Armour shirt marked down from $80 to $25.  Then when we left to meet friends for dinner we reviewed the receipt as we spent $147 and the chick didn't charge us for his shirt!  Ooops!

So last week another horse ate the bottom of Eli's tail.

See the long strands?  They all use to be that long.  This photo is a bad angle, but I guesstimate about 6" of hair is gone. :(  I wanted to cry.  I was under too much stress to deal with this and worry that one day I'd arrive at the barn to find even more tail missing.  I've been putting MTG on the ends because I was told it would deter the culprit from eating more at it tastes bad.  I don't know about the taste, but I hate the smell!  So far it's working.  Thank goodness.  I did buy a tail bag while we were at the horse fair, but I really prefer not to use it.


Last week was really rough in terms of some major fighting between my hubby and I.  One night I was in the bedroom watching TV and staying away from him.  My kitty, Mr Blue, snuggled me and tried to make me feel better.  I love kitty snuggles!

In my effort to get back on track, last night's dinner was breakfast!  Hole in one eggs in Ezekiel bread and turkey bacon.  I'm trying. . . not succeeding often, but trying.  After dinner I stuff my freaking face with all kinds of sweets.  It's like I have no control.   I'm determined to work on that.  Maybe I will start posting weekly weigh ins again.  Cause I've got to find ways to have success and maybe that will motivate me.

Last week during the days of fighting with my husband I backed into our barn.  Lots of red paint and a dent.  Nice huh? It's all his fault.  He made a stupid choice last week and when I noticed some mud all over his truck I decided to check out the rest of the truck and bam!  Backed right into the barn.  So I blame it on him.  He did get the paint off and popped out most of it out. But still. .  . I hate denting my car :(

That's all I have for now.  I wish I had more to say and was more positive, but it's been a rough time and I think the stress is affecting my eating choices.

Stopping the "I've been bad"

Have you ever eaten something "bad" and then said "I already ate bad today. . . " implying that it's a wash and you might as well keep eating bad?  I've done it.  Didn't I just mention eating a muffin. . .but I said that if I proceed with healthy eating the rest of the day then "it's a tie".  Meaning I didn't really blow the whole day.  I struggle, as I'm sure many do, with writing off the whole day. My boss can bring donuts for the office, I eat one and then I just keep eating bad.  I'm trying not to do that anymore.  I'm trying not to think of eating in terms of "days".  It's every meal, every snack, every bite. . .  every bite is a choice.  

This weekend was a challenge for me.  My husband and I ate dinner at Cracker Barrel Friday night.  I ate "Eggs in the Basket" with turkey sausage (I wanted lots of protein).  I drank water.  Saturday I did not eat breakfast (we had a 6K run I will post about soon).  We went to McAllister's for lunch.  I won that challenge by not ordering a coke (I always get a coke there.  And I wanted a coke!).  I had a half sandwich and bowl of fire roasted vegetable soup.  But then came dinner. . . .   and here's where I get a bit cranky. 

I don't think that I should feel "bad" for eating healthy.  We had dinner with my husband's family for a birthday.  Last month with did this for his birthday.  Last month we went to a Mexican restaurant. He didn't tell me till we walked out the door.  I thought we were going to his sister's for dinner.  I wasn't too happy with the surprise.   There were 6 people, and 4 ladies at that dinner and every one of the ladies was "on a diet".  I had a chicken soft taco and an order of rice with water to drink.  Every other one of them stuffed their faces with various Mexican dishes and alcoholic drinks.  When I was done eating someone asked me if I was done already.  Their tone of voice made me feel like they were implying I didn't eat very much.  And that's where I take offense.  This society is oversize.  The people are over weight.  The food is super sized.  We are conditioned to eat if you will.  Just because I go out to eat doesn't mean I need to stuff my face or eat anything more (or different) than I'd eat at home.  I'm working on making that my motto. 

So this brings me to Saturday night.  We went to some strange bar/restaurant that neither my husband or I had been to. He and I talked about the menu, the over priced items and the choices.  I didn't know what I was going to get.  Maybe a salad.  However, I'm a firm believer that salads aren't always the best choices at restaurants.  I saw they had a daily soup.  I found out it was stuffed pepper soup.  Not creamy and not cheesy!  SCORE!  I ordered a bowl of soup.  That's it.  Water to drink.  Just before we ordered, one of the ladies (same 4 as the previous month) said she was going to order something. . . that she had already "been bad" that day.  I guess they ate at a fast food restaurant.  Her implications were that the day was already a wash.  I commented that I was trying to stop thinking like that.  Just cause I eat one "bad" thing doesn't mean I need to blow the whole day.  I think that was the wrong thing to say. I felt a bad vibe after I said that. My soup came in a big bowl.  I ate half and the two small slices of bread that came with it.  I can't say no to bread.  I'm not that strong!  Thankfully they were really small pieces.  Most everyone else stuffed their faces with fries. 2 of the 4 ladies had alcohol.  One lady did have a salad and water. The salad was huge! (again they aren't always the best option)  She seemed to force herself to eat every last bite.  I don't think that's necessary. (again why do you have to stuff yourself cause you are out?)  

I didn't all my soup.  It was making me feel bloated.  So something wasn't agreeing with me.  I felt judged though. Both for the choice to "only" have soup and that I didn't eat it all.  I'm sorry but I don't need to eat "bad" food.  And not that it's bad for everyone.  But for me it is.  I can gain 3 lbs over night from the wrong food and it can take me over a week to get that "weight" off.  People will say when you gain a few lbs overnight that it's not "real" weight.  Apparently it's water weight.  Well I can drown myself in water the next day and it doesn't come off the next night.  Nope.  That stuff sticks around for days and days.  Forget that!  That's how I get nowhere on the scale.  I'm done with that.   I vented to my mom prior to dinner and basically told her just what I wrote here.  It made me feel better and feel empowered!  

After dinner we went back to someone's house and had ice cream cake.  It was from Cold Stone.  It had exactly 6 pieces. One for everyone.  It was my favorite flavor, cookie dough.  I took one bite of my husband's piece.  I let the bday boy keep my piece for another day.  Again I felt kind of judged. Especially when my husband said I was sharing with him and I replied no, I'm having *one* bite.  Lol.  But you know what?  I felt good this morning when the scale did not go up. 

I guess this is rather long winded, but I just kind of hate how much food plays a role in society.  Everything you do for "fun" involves food.  Every event has food.  It's hard to avoid it.   The summary is that I will not apologize or feel guilty for what I *don't* eat.  Along with that I'm trying hard not to use "being bad" for an excuse to continue to eat crap.  I control what goes in my mouth.  That's not to say it's easy.  It really isn't!  I crave food.  I want soda.  Every good choice I make is a step in the right direction. 

Yesterday. . . continued.

I've thought quite a bit about my post yesterday.  I don't feel there is anything wrong with the post.  Nor is there anything wrong with me.  Maybe it sounds a bit more harsh in black and white than I intended it to be.  I feel like these thoughts are common for someone that struggles with weight.   They are normal for someone that is constantly on a diet.  I will *never* be able to eat without thinking about it.   If I do I will be right back up at 250 lbs.  Have you been 250 lbs?  It sucks.   It's not fun.  I looked like a blown up balloon.   I'm not joking.   It's hard for me to lose weight.  The thyroid issue is a prominent one.  It's not calories in vs calories out.  It sucks to eat healthy and workout all the time to only maintain my weight.  I work *hard* to not gain weight.  Do you have to work so hard to maintain your weight?  Until you've been in this position I don't think you can really comprehend what it's like.

That being said, I don't feel like I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  I do not starve myself.  I do not stuff my face.  I do not throw up what I've eaten.   Even though the thought of food, calories, carbs, gaining weight is in the forefront of my mind I still eat.  If I didn't maybe I'd be thinner!  I eat sugar.  I eat carbs.  I eat fruits.  I eat nuts.   I eat meat.  I eat cheese.  I eat.   Again I don't eat till I'm sick.  But I do eat.  And if you hung out with me you would see that I eat normally. You would see that I eat healthier than most people.  I can't tell you how many comments I get at work from people that see me eating a salad every day at lunch.

I'm not going to lie, it sucks when I can have a normal day, maybe eating out for one meal, and gain 3+ lbs on the scale overnight.  It's depressing that it can take me a WEEK to get that off.   Is that a female issue?  Is that normal?  Maybe.  Who the hell knows.   I've been tested for food sensitivities.  There are several things I should not eat.  Though those tests give false positives and negatives so how do I rely on that?  Some of the items I don't eat anyways, some I don't eat often.  I do not feel like there are other life issues that are causing these thought processes.  I feel like this is normal for someone that has been overweight, that is still overweight and that struggles with losing weight.    Those of you that are the journey with me. . . do you not wake up and hopefully get on the scale? Do you not hold your breath (even metaphorically speaking) and hope that the number went down?  Are you not disappointed when the number goes up?   Those of you that are trying to lose weight. . . do you not feel slightly guilty when you eat that cookie that you "shouldn't" eat?  Sure you can fit those calories into your day, but don't you feel a tinge of guilt when you eat something that is "bad"?  And do you not get mad when you work your ass off and eat right and don't see any results?  I don't think I'm alone here.

So I'm going to march forward. . . eating my salad for lunch every day.  Drinking a ton of water every day.  Continuing on my half marathon training schedule and I'm going to see where I end up.