Thursday, February 5, 2015

Trust Issues

This blog is going to be more personal.  Maybe I shouldn't post this but I'm going to anyways.  It might not stay up for long. 

I have trust issues.  I have an idea of why.   When I was younger (near the end of college and for a few years after) I was in a stupid ignorant relationship with someone 13 years older than me.  It was horrible and one of the biggest regrets of my life.  I was young and impressionable and there was nothing healthy about this relationship.  There were a lot of lies involved in this relationship.  He lied to me.  I'm sure I lied to my parents and friends at times.   It was a mess.   I'm not sure if this is the *only* reason but earning my trust is hard.  Very very hard.  I tend to not believe people until they've proven they are trustworthy.  Unlike the vast majority of people that trust until given a reason not to. 

When I met my husband I said there are two things that don't fly with me.  Cheating and lying.  I cannot tell you how many times he's lied to me.  Sometimes they've been big lies. Other times they've been small lies.  I've told him over and over that I no longer trust him.  I don't think he gets it as the lies continue.   I've told him that it will take a long time to build up my trust.  He says that he understands this.  But yet the lies will continue.   I don't know why he does this.  I've said over and over again that the truth will always hurt less than a lie.  I sniff out lies like a dog sniffs out a bone.

I feel like this eCard. There's another one floating out there that says something about if a woman asks you a question, she already knows the answer.  That's me too.  I will know the answer before I ask and then when I get a lie as an answer it pisses me off to no end!

The most recent example is small but a lie is a lie.  And this was just something I couldn't wrap my brain around.  It was Monday night and my husband wanted to go visit his mom to talk about a few things as a family member had just passed. No big deal.  We ate dinner and he was telling me this.  He asked if I minded if he went by himself.  I didn't mind.  We kind of had a discussion/argument as he was walking out the door and he said "I asked you if you wanted to go along and you said no!".  Ummm 

This was within the same hour . . . .this was not him referencing a conversation from a few days ago.  I said "That's a lie!  You asked me if you could go alone".  He got all pissy about me calling him out on that.   He left.  I sat at home and watched the girly drama that is the Bachelor.   And I was confused.  Super duper confused.  I mean we were both there.  We were both present in the conversation and at no point did he ask if I wanted to go.  I remember very clearly thinking, as he was talking about the issues his mom was having, that he wants to go alone.  And within the next minute he asked if that was ok.  

That's just a "small" example.  There are bigger examples that I should probably refrain from posting.  But I really stress over this.  I don't know what is "normal" and what isn't.  I don't know if he's a compulsive liar.  I googled about this yesterday and there is compulsive and pathological. . . . I don't know.  . . . I feel like I need a support group.  Like they have for families and friends of alcoholics.   I think about this daily.  As much as men think about sex.  I don't know what to do. . .  I don't know if I'm overly sensitive about this or not.  But my thoughts are that no lies are ok.  It's black and white in my brain.  And if you can lie about small stuff, what big stuff can you lie about? 

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