Saturday, February 22, 2014

Knee Update

Knees are complicated things.  Prior to running my 15K in Dec, I don't remember having such issues with my knees.  I wonder if I've beautified my memories, so to speak.  I know that often times you block out the bad and remember the good.  For example I'm struggling with running and I don't have any memories of struggling like this during 15K training.  I'm sure I argued with myself during runs, but I did the miles.  This time I feel like I gained 100 lbs.  My body is heavy and I'm slower.  I know I'm slower, so there is something going on.  

I remember telling someone that my knee would start hurting between miles 3 & 4 but that I'd run out of it.  It would twinge for a bit, but it went away.  Did it go away?  I'm sure it did!  But now I'm questioning it.   Maybe I just ignored it and thought it went away.  But I distinctly remember telling someone that I would run out of the pain.  *shrug*   So when my knee hurt during the 15K I didn't think much of it.  I have no memories of when it started hurting or what it felt like after it started.   There's so much adrenaline during a race.  What I do remember is that as soon as I started walking after crossing the finish line that it hurt.  It hurt bad.  I was limping.  I thought it was from the race, the miles, the hills (I don't normally run hills).  I gave myself 2 weeks off at some point.  I started running lightly before really starting training for my half.  But yet here I still struggle with my knee.  I don't think it's my shoes anymore.  

I ran 3.5 miles on Wednesday and I told my chiropractor that it starting hurting after 1.5 miles.  Somewhere between 1.5 and 2 miles.  She said there's inflammation in my knee.  My massage therapist says there are muscles pulling on it and she finds some majorly painful trigger points.  My chiro gave me some natural supplements to help with inflammation.  I'm now icing my knee even on days I don't workout or run.  I'm also taking fish oil gummies as fish oil is suppose to help with inflammation also.   

Today I had 5 miles on the schedule and I'm not going to lie, I was worried about it.  I woke up and I iced my knee for 25-30 mins.  I took one Aleve and 2 Advil, hoping to help with inflammation.  I stretched my inner thighs before starting.  I ran 3 miles before I felt any issues and then it started out really minor.  I'm sure that I'm favoring my left leg even when my knee doesn't hurt in a way to protect it.  So I'm trying to keep my gait between my left and right leg the same.    When my knee stared hurting it seemed as if I increased my stride length that it felt better.  I run with a really short stride given how tall I am (5'10").  I finished the 5 miles at a very slow pace. (Why am I so slow right now?)  The good thing is that as soon as I walked there was no pain.  I was walking without a limp in my stride, no hitch in my giddy-up! :)   That's positive.  I should note that my knee never hurts when I'm not running.  When I first started running and I had the wrong shoes my knees ached when I wasn't running.  I felt pain going up and down stairs.  That is not the case now.  I think that's positive. . . sort of.  I'm not sure.  I stretched out my inner thighs when I was finished running and I rolled my IT band on the foam roller.   I then made my Shakeology smoothie and iced my knee again.  Next week my long run is 6 miles and then I have a step back week.  I hope I can keep making improvements.  I should note that my knee never hurts on the treadmill.  I know there's more give in a treadmill, but I'm still surprised that it doesn't hurt at all.  

For my five miles I ran around the block near my house.  I heard there was a 5K in town and I didn't want to get in the mix.  A country block is 1 mile on each side and I live a half mile off the block.  So from the end of my drive, the block, around the block and back to my drive is 5 miles.  It's kind of a boring run and I don't love it.  Here are my splits. . . slow as a turtle. 

You know, I have a degree in math. . . I've never understood the avg pace column.  The numbers match the lap time.  For example, on mile 2, my avg pace would be less than 12:06 cause my first mile was faster than my 2nd.  I don't get what that column is for.   It doesn't make sense to me.  

It was 30 degrees when I started running and 35 when I finished.  It's a heat wave!  It was sunny and felt so warm.  I took my light jacket off at mile 1.5 and ran the rest of the run in a tank top.  What a great day!

Thursday, February 20, 2014


It seems the scale is creeping again.  200.2 this morning.  What is the cause?   I assume delayed reaction to too many carbs.   Sunday my husband and I split a burrito at Qdoba.  Those things are huge to start with.  I don't feel like their food is full of lots of crap.   We got a whole wheat tortilla, rice, beans, chicken . . . etc.  No sour cream much to his dismay.  I had a soda for the first time since early January.  It wasn't as good as I hoped.  Not because my taste buds were overwhelmed, but because it was a shitty coke.   Then Tuesday I went out to lunch at work.  I went to Imo's.  I failed.  I got a chef salad lunch special.  That came with cheese bread and a soda.  The soda cups are small. . . but still.   Sunday was a rest day, mostly because it was a crazy day (someone ran into our pasture fence) and time got away from me.  Monday I ran 3.5 miles at the gym.  Tuesday I felt horrible about lunch so I did a Chalean Extreme workout before dinner.   Yesterday I ran 3.5 miles again.   I ate well yesterday but the scale still went creeping.  Gotta get it under control.

Yesterday was my first real run outside in months. I saw this on FB yesterday and thought it was very appropriate.

Lately I've been feeling like that first mile lies.  Sometimes I think it will be a great run and it's wrong.  Sometimes I feel like it's going to suck and it gets better.  I'd say it's usually the latter.  Yesterday was so warm.  The park in town was rather flooded.  I ran around town and often had to get off the sidewalks cause they were holding too much water.  I had 3.5 miles on the schedule.  I'm very very sad to say my knee didn't like it and at this point I no longer know what to do.  My massage therapist is sure I have muscles pulling on my knee in all the wrong ways and that is straining my knee.  I admit she finds some painful stuff during her work.  But. . . I'm rolling my IT band, I'm using arnica, I'm using ice. . . this sucks and there's no other way to state it.   I hated every minute of my run yesterday.  That's the other thing that is bugging me.  Above my knee issue I just feel like I'm struggling. My body feels like it weights 300 lbs.  I have to convince myself to keep running.  My knee doesn't hurt at the start and I was at least half way into my run before it started bothering my yesterday and I still wanted to quit in the beginning.  I didn't have this issue when training for my 15K.   I'm not saying the runs were easy.  I'm not saying there weren't times I didn't want to quit.  But I mean right now I'm still at low mile runs and this is insane.  It just seemed easier when training for the 15.  Or maybe it's hindsight that makes it seem that way?  No way.  I don't buy that either.  I spend a lot of time thinking about what might be different and I come up empty.  Eating is the only thing that I can think of that would cause this.  I haven't drastically changed the way I eat so I don't know what it could be.  I'm pushing on. I  have 5 miles on the schedule this weekend.  Either Saturday or Sunday. . . I've adjusted the runs this week so it should be Saturday I suppose and probably will be.  I'm pondering putting on my old shoes just to see (the Kayano's).  I'm also pondering going to the store and getting a different brand of shoe.  Just to see if that helps my legs (not my knee).  I feel like I'm fighting my shoes sometimes.  Again, that's new to me.  I'm trying to stay positive, but it's hard. 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Long weekend

I'm back at work after a 4 day weekend.  Ugh.  I love not working.  I wish I didn't have to work.  In hindsight I probably should have gone a different career path.  I don't hate my job, but I'm not in love with my career.  My friend asked me "why the discontent? You have a choice". . . and then went on to say I can work to save money to buy a house or quit my job and be poor. Not going to lie, I think the whole conversation rubbed me the wrong way.  I think it's quite normal to not *love* your job.  I think it's quite normal to wish your job didn't consume 40 or more hours a week. I think that's human nature. When I asked her if she was 100% happy I didn't get an answer.

This weekend was quite busy.  My husband was out of town Fri-Sun and I really enjoyed the time home alone.   On Saturday my mom and I got pedicures.  I ended up getting gel polish on my fingernails for the first time.  My mom paid, so it was a nice treat.

I'm shocked that three days later and I don't have a single chip.  However, being back at work, with a lot of typing. . . makes me wonder how long they will hold up.

I have been practicing with decorating sugar cookies.  When I was younger I played around with cake decorating.  I think I never really know *how* to decorate a cookie.  Then a coworker brought in these amazing cookies his wife made and I felt like  "hey, I can do that!".  So I started trying.  I have a *lot* to learn and my brain is overflowing with everything I've read and watched online.

This weekend I tried a double decker cookie for Vday.   I couldn't do them during the week to bring to work before Vday.  They were too time consuming.  I read that you should bake your cookies a day before so the grease can escape the cookie.  I baked them on Sat.  I decorated them on Sunday.  I put them together on Monday.  My estimate is 6+ hours of decorating.   Here was my inspiration cookie.  Mine are cute, but not nearly as well done as though. I'm still really thrilled that I managed to pull them off this well.

You'd think that baking cookies doesn't go well with a healthy eating lifestyle.  In some ways that is true. I do eat some dough.  And I do bake the leftover scraps and eat those too.   But . . . I tend to be a very "snacky" person when I'm home.  Maybe cause my house is so small that I spend a ton of time in and around the kitchen. It's very easy to snack. But when I'm decorating cookies I can't snack.   Sure I can take a break, but I don't take many cause I have my icing at just the right consistency.  So that's 6 or more hours of decorating and not really snacking.  Works for me!   lol.  I also have very little desire to eat the finished cookies too soon. I worked hard and I want to stare at them.  Ha ha!   I do eat one eventually but unlike a cookie like chocolate chip. . these sit around so I an admire them.   Also decorating can't be rushed. .. it's very slow and steady . . . I find it almost relaxing and therapeutic.  

However I've had 3 inquiries about ordering cookies since I started posting my cookies on facebook.  I'm shocked cause I don't think I'm that good.  I just gave up photography.  There were many reasons I did so.  I'm not ready to take on another business.   I don't want to have *have* to decorate cookies.  I might plan on making a cookie this weekend, but I can bail and do something else if I want to.  I like that.   So I think I'm going to turn everyone down at this point.   Also it's too much pressure.  I'm already picky about how they look and all I did was bring these to work with me.  

In early Jan I told my husband I wanted to lose 10 lbs by Valentine's day.  I should have thought a bit more about that.  I'm very active.  I eat fairly well.  It's hard to lose 10 lbs in a month unless you have a lot to lose or are just starting on your journey.  When you first start to lose weight, you can lose 5 lbs in that first week.  I don't have that on my side.  I didn't really pay attention to my start date or weight.  I also think I went up 1-2 pounds after I started, for unknown reasons.  However, I was at 198 this weekend.  I'm calling that a 5 lbs loss. (I was around 203.6 and hovering there in early Jan).   I think that's pretty good.  I was 198.6 this morning.  Normal fluctuation.  But it's a long slow road at 1 lb a week.   That can be discouraging, but I want see where I can get by the end of April when I go to KY for Rolex. . .or really by the day before Easter when I run my half in KY.   I want to stay on track till then.  That doesn't mean I won't eat a cupcake or cookie.  I'm trying to find a balance.  Not be all hard core. :)   

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Shoes. . . shoes. . . I hate shoes.

Ok so I don't hate shoes.  I just hate running shoes.  I never thought this would be so complicated.   Here is my new pair of shoes.  These are also my previous pair of shoes. 

They are the Asics GT-2170's.  The 2170's have a loyal following.  They are a very popular shoe.  Unfortunately they have been discontinued.   WHY?!?!?!    OMG WHY!?!?!   This is a stability shoe and it was my second pair of running shoes.  My first pair (also Asics) were neutral and caused knee issues.  Once I get my feet in the 2170's I never looked back.  Then they broke down.  Who knew a shoe could break down and cause so much pain.  But they did.   That's when I found out they are discontinued.   *cry*

So off I went to find a new shoe.   After trying on several shoes at the running store (and really wanting a different brand) I ended up with the Asics Kayano 20's.  

Oooh. . . . aren't they pretty?!?!   PINK!  Score!  lol.   Unfortunately they don't seem to work for me.  Initially I thought they were fine.  But then I would notice my left knee hurting around mile 4 of a longer run.  I'd run out of it though, so I didn't mind too much.  Then I ran my 15K in these shoes.  The knee hurt.  I could hardly walk after I crossed the finish line.  But I thought it was just the run. . .  however, the knee never got better. My feet also started to hurt.  Specifically the right foot.  I've had massage and chiro.  I roll my foot on a golf ball every day at work.   I foam roll my IT band to help my knee.   I'm not getting anywhere fast.  However, for 2 weeks I ran on the treadmill in these shoes with no knee pain.  But the knee pain returned during the outdoor 6K this weekend.  Ugh.   

On Saturday my new 2170's arrived!  Woo hoo!  I ran 3.5 miles in them on the treadmill last night.  I have no verdict.  The knee didn't seem to mind.  But they started rubbing on the right foot around mile 3.  WHAT?  Now I have a rubbing issue?  You've got to be kidding me.  So I'm going to see if I can lace them differently or tie them tighter.  Or wear some kind of band-aid till they break in.  The rub is under my ankle - on the side of my foot between the ankle and heel.  Strange.   I will say that this is the *first* run since I started half training that I didn't have to talk myself into not stopping.  I was told the 2170's are lighter than the the Kayano's.  But I suppose we are talking ounces here right? The Kayano's didn't feel heavy to me.  But possibly they are.  From a few conversations with different shoe people I think most people do *not* move from the 2170's to the Kayano's.   People seem shocked I ended up doing that.  The Kayano has a lot of gel support.  The guy at the store last week told me that if that gel is in the wrong spot it can hurt.  Which is why I think my right foot hurts - near the ball of my foot.   

Why is this so complicated?  Shoes are too dang expensive to keep trying a different pair.  I only have about 155 miles on my Kayano's. (I use the shoe tracker app)   They are only at about half their life, maybe less.  I hate that I didn't get my money worth from them.   I worry about what shoe I can move into since the 2170's are discontinued. 

You ask how I got a new pair of 2170's?  Well I found Road Runner Sports online.  They apparently can get discontinued shoes if they commit to a certain amount.   So does their sister store Kelly's Running Warehouse.  I won't link to them cause I'm mad about their customer service.   Road Runner has a 90 day road test policy if you are a VIP, 30 days if not.  I became a VIP for a a year for $1.99 (on sale).  You also get 10% off your shoes if you are a VIP.  I figure I will get my next pair from them (should I find a pair to transition into).   Also if you are a member of Ebates you can get 10% back from Road Runner.  I got just over $7 back in my Ebates account for my shoes.  Woo hoo!   I have been a member of Ebates for many years.  As far as I can tell their is no catch. Unfortunately I can never remember to go through Ebates to do my shopping.  So I wasn't getting much money back.  However, they now have a button for your browser that you can install.  When you go to a site that has Ebates, the button lights up.  You click it and that initiates the tracking for Ebates.  You no longer have to go to their site first to start shopping.  I hope that helps increase my use of Ebates and I'll get more money back!  Woo hoo.   

So in the end my new 2170's were a pretty good deal.  I just hope that they work well for me.   I do really love shoes!  I just hate the stress of finding a running shoe. I guess those pretty pink Kayano's will just be worn as a regular shoe or become a gym shoe for regular workouts and not treadmill running. That is if they don't hurt my foot wearing them for non-running activities.   I am determined to get my money out of them somehow.  Or maybe I should just sell them, if people buy used shoes?

Monday, February 10, 2014

Stan Span 6K

We have a new bridge connecting Illinois and Missouri in St Louis!   It's the Stan Musial Veteran's Memorial Bridge.  Affectionately known as the "Stan Span".  

The bridge is gorgeous!   It's so beautiful at night.   The bridge opened Sunday and there were many events on the bridge on Saturday.  

At 8 am there was a 6K run for Stan Musial also known as "Stan the Man".  He's a legend in baseball.  He was St Louis Cardinals #6 (hence the 6K).   He is so loved in St Louis.  He passed away last year and the baseball season was dedicated to him. The players had a  #6 patch on the sleeves of their uniforms.  There was 6 in the outfield grass during the opening week.   St Louis is crazy for Stan.

Friday night we picked up our packets (at a stupid location in St Louis - traffic, lack of parking, etc).   The first 2500 (increased from 1500 cause of popularity) got a commemorative medallion.

It snowed a bit Friday night.  It was really cold Saturday morning and the road was not totally clean.  We were in the 3rd and final wave (11:00/min  + pace).   The atmosphere was so wonderful.  I wished I had worn a cardinals jacket as there were a lot of people sporting Cardinals attire and I was jealous.   I hadn't ran outside in a long time.   Unfortunately my knee didn't like it, even though I haven't had any problems on the treadmill.  So that's concerning.  

My husband started running with me at the beginning and he ran for quite some time.  The on-ramp to the bridge was quite a hill and I think that's where he lost it a bit.  When I got on the bridge I stopped on the side and he wasn't that far behind me, so we posed for a selfie. :)   I started running again and after the turn around I stopped to take more photos of the bridge and the river.    I felt like photos were more important than running.  This was the *only* day the bridge would ever have people on it.  I had to take photos.  :)

This was right at the start of the bridge.  I was still kind of running and while taking this photo.  I have to say it was really crowded so at least I'm a naturally slow runner.  lol

The "cables" are really sleeves of many cables.  Something like 32 to 70-ish cables depending how far the sleeve is from the pillar.

I love the ice in the Mississippi! :) 

I had to get a photo of myself! :) 

The atmosphere at the start was so fun and energetic I forgot to start my Garmin. Oops!  So my stats are a hot mess.  I love how it looks like I ran through the river. 

A 6K is like 3.7 miles so you can see that I forgot the start the Garmin and I also forgot to stop it.  I realized that while I was in line for water.   Didn't add any real distance, but added time.  Ha!  But this was all for fun (though I did count this as my 4 mile training run I was suppose to do Sunday). 

I would never have thought I'd sign up for a running event like this.  Running has opened up so many things. This run was just so fun.  I'm so glad my husband and I did this together.  

In other news, my new (old-discontinued-previous) shoes came Saturday when we got home.  I'm breaking them in with a 3.5 mile run on the treadmill tonight.  I hope they help my knee issues.  I have been foam rolling my IT band.  That seems to be what is causing the knee pain, but I'm really not sure.  I was super bummed it was hurting during this run, after not hurting for weeks on the treadmill.  Hopefully the new shoes help.  Fingers crossed! :)

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Stopping the "I've been bad"

Have you ever eaten something "bad" and then said "I already ate bad today. . . " implying that it's a wash and you might as well keep eating bad?  I've done it.  Didn't I just mention eating a muffin. . .but I said that if I proceed with healthy eating the rest of the day then "it's a tie".  Meaning I didn't really blow the whole day.  I struggle, as I'm sure many do, with writing off the whole day. My boss can bring donuts for the office, I eat one and then I just keep eating bad.  I'm trying not to do that anymore.  I'm trying not to think of eating in terms of "days".  It's every meal, every snack, every bite. . .  every bite is a choice.  

This weekend was a challenge for me.  My husband and I ate dinner at Cracker Barrel Friday night.  I ate "Eggs in the Basket" with turkey sausage (I wanted lots of protein).  I drank water.  Saturday I did not eat breakfast (we had a 6K run I will post about soon).  We went to McAllister's for lunch.  I won that challenge by not ordering a coke (I always get a coke there.  And I wanted a coke!).  I had a half sandwich and bowl of fire roasted vegetable soup.  But then came dinner. . . .   and here's where I get a bit cranky. 

I don't think that I should feel "bad" for eating healthy.  We had dinner with my husband's family for a birthday.  Last month with did this for his birthday.  Last month we went to a Mexican restaurant. He didn't tell me till we walked out the door.  I thought we were going to his sister's for dinner.  I wasn't too happy with the surprise.   There were 6 people, and 4 ladies at that dinner and every one of the ladies was "on a diet".  I had a chicken soft taco and an order of rice with water to drink.  Every other one of them stuffed their faces with various Mexican dishes and alcoholic drinks.  When I was done eating someone asked me if I was done already.  Their tone of voice made me feel like they were implying I didn't eat very much.  And that's where I take offense.  This society is oversize.  The people are over weight.  The food is super sized.  We are conditioned to eat if you will.  Just because I go out to eat doesn't mean I need to stuff my face or eat anything more (or different) than I'd eat at home.  I'm working on making that my motto. 

So this brings me to Saturday night.  We went to some strange bar/restaurant that neither my husband or I had been to. He and I talked about the menu, the over priced items and the choices.  I didn't know what I was going to get.  Maybe a salad.  However, I'm a firm believer that salads aren't always the best choices at restaurants.  I saw they had a daily soup.  I found out it was stuffed pepper soup.  Not creamy and not cheesy!  SCORE!  I ordered a bowl of soup.  That's it.  Water to drink.  Just before we ordered, one of the ladies (same 4 as the previous month) said she was going to order something. . . that she had already "been bad" that day.  I guess they ate at a fast food restaurant.  Her implications were that the day was already a wash.  I commented that I was trying to stop thinking like that.  Just cause I eat one "bad" thing doesn't mean I need to blow the whole day.  I think that was the wrong thing to say. I felt a bad vibe after I said that. My soup came in a big bowl.  I ate half and the two small slices of bread that came with it.  I can't say no to bread.  I'm not that strong!  Thankfully they were really small pieces.  Most everyone else stuffed their faces with fries. 2 of the 4 ladies had alcohol.  One lady did have a salad and water. The salad was huge! (again they aren't always the best option)  She seemed to force herself to eat every last bite.  I don't think that's necessary. (again why do you have to stuff yourself cause you are out?)  

I didn't all my soup.  It was making me feel bloated.  So something wasn't agreeing with me.  I felt judged though. Both for the choice to "only" have soup and that I didn't eat it all.  I'm sorry but I don't need to eat "bad" food.  And not that it's bad for everyone.  But for me it is.  I can gain 3 lbs over night from the wrong food and it can take me over a week to get that "weight" off.  People will say when you gain a few lbs overnight that it's not "real" weight.  Apparently it's water weight.  Well I can drown myself in water the next day and it doesn't come off the next night.  Nope.  That stuff sticks around for days and days.  Forget that!  That's how I get nowhere on the scale.  I'm done with that.   I vented to my mom prior to dinner and basically told her just what I wrote here.  It made me feel better and feel empowered!  

After dinner we went back to someone's house and had ice cream cake.  It was from Cold Stone.  It had exactly 6 pieces. One for everyone.  It was my favorite flavor, cookie dough.  I took one bite of my husband's piece.  I let the bday boy keep my piece for another day.  Again I felt kind of judged. Especially when my husband said I was sharing with him and I replied no, I'm having *one* bite.  Lol.  But you know what?  I felt good this morning when the scale did not go up. 

I guess this is rather long winded, but I just kind of hate how much food plays a role in society.  Everything you do for "fun" involves food.  Every event has food.  It's hard to avoid it.   The summary is that I will not apologize or feel guilty for what I *don't* eat.  Along with that I'm trying hard not to use "being bad" for an excuse to continue to eat crap.  I control what goes in my mouth.  That's not to say it's easy.  It really isn't!  I crave food.  I want soda.  Every good choice I make is a step in the right direction. 

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Yesterday. . . continued.

I've thought quite a bit about my post yesterday.  I don't feel there is anything wrong with the post.  Nor is there anything wrong with me.  Maybe it sounds a bit more harsh in black and white than I intended it to be.  I feel like these thoughts are common for someone that struggles with weight.   They are normal for someone that is constantly on a diet.  I will *never* be able to eat without thinking about it.   If I do I will be right back up at 250 lbs.  Have you been 250 lbs?  It sucks.   It's not fun.  I looked like a blown up balloon.   I'm not joking.   It's hard for me to lose weight.  The thyroid issue is a prominent one.  It's not calories in vs calories out.  It sucks to eat healthy and workout all the time to only maintain my weight.  I work *hard* to not gain weight.  Do you have to work so hard to maintain your weight?  Until you've been in this position I don't think you can really comprehend what it's like.

That being said, I don't feel like I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  I do not starve myself.  I do not stuff my face.  I do not throw up what I've eaten.   Even though the thought of food, calories, carbs, gaining weight is in the forefront of my mind I still eat.  If I didn't maybe I'd be thinner!  I eat sugar.  I eat carbs.  I eat fruits.  I eat nuts.   I eat meat.  I eat cheese.  I eat.   Again I don't eat till I'm sick.  But I do eat.  And if you hung out with me you would see that I eat normally. You would see that I eat healthier than most people.  I can't tell you how many comments I get at work from people that see me eating a salad every day at lunch.

I'm not going to lie, it sucks when I can have a normal day, maybe eating out for one meal, and gain 3+ lbs on the scale overnight.  It's depressing that it can take me a WEEK to get that off.   Is that a female issue?  Is that normal?  Maybe.  Who the hell knows.   I've been tested for food sensitivities.  There are several things I should not eat.  Though those tests give false positives and negatives so how do I rely on that?  Some of the items I don't eat anyways, some I don't eat often.  I do not feel like there are other life issues that are causing these thought processes.  I feel like this is normal for someone that has been overweight, that is still overweight and that struggles with losing weight.    Those of you that are the journey with me. . . do you not wake up and hopefully get on the scale? Do you not hold your breath (even metaphorically speaking) and hope that the number went down?  Are you not disappointed when the number goes up?   Those of you that are trying to lose weight. . . do you not feel slightly guilty when you eat that cookie that you "shouldn't" eat?  Sure you can fit those calories into your day, but don't you feel a tinge of guilt when you eat something that is "bad"?  And do you not get mad when you work your ass off and eat right and don't see any results?  I don't think I'm alone here.

So I'm going to march forward. . . eating my salad for lunch every day.  Drinking a ton of water every day.  Continuing on my half marathon training schedule and I'm going to see where I end up.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Battle with the scale

I know numbers aren't everything.  However, this is what my scale says to me:

I don't think I should weight 200 lbs.  Yes that's what the scale said today.  200 on the nose.  I battle the scale.  It's not healthy, I know.  What I don't know is how to overcome it.  I feel like the number I see in the morning dictates my mood through the day.  Last week I reached the 199's.   But then I bounced up to 201.something.   Ugh.   I tried to think of the scale as a competition.  Me vs the scale.  That works when I'm winning.  I feel *really* good when the scale does go down.  But then when it goes up I get this WTF attitude and tend to eat.  I thought I was a tough competitor, but apparently not!  I'm scared that if I ever do get back to the 180's (where I was happiest) that even then my favorite jeans won't fit.  Why?  Well when I was on HCG, I lost all the abnormal fat stores.  Ok, not all, but they were reduced.  My hips shrank.  Losing weight *normally* my hips don't tend to shrink.  I think my 20lbs went on in my hips and won't come off in my hips.  That makes me sad.  Weight loss is so emotional.  I ate a chocolate chip muffin this morning.  We got off work early yesterday (due to snow) and I baked muffins and cookies.   I really wanted to try a muffin.  I consciously decided to eat it. I think that there is a healthy balance in life.  But then I feel guilty. . . really guilty.  Which sometimes prompts me to eat more.   So then it's a viscous cycle.  I don't think the average healthy weight person understands the emotional struggle.  I don't think my own (overweight) husband understands it.  On FB last week I posted an article about diet myths.  A friend shared it.  Then a mutual friend (that is suddenly huge into Advocare) commented on it.  She said something about doing what is "proven" to work in regards to weight loss (meaning journaling, etc).   I wanted to FB smack her upside the head.  I think she weighs like 105 lbs dripping wet.  Seriously.  I think the only time she's weighed more was during her 2 pregnancies (I didn't know her then).  I don't think she has ever struggled with weight loss.  But she sells Advocare now and so she knows . .. right?  What-freaking-ever!  Bite me.  I'm sorry but you don't know what it's like.  You don't know what it feels like to wear a size 18-20 jeans.  You just don't.   You don't know what it's like to try on multiple outfits when you go out in order to find the one that makes you look the least fat.  You don't know what it's like to think about what you are going to eat next. . . to feel guilty about something you ate. . . to stress over every bite that goes in your mouth.  You flat out don't!  That's what I wanted to say.  Instead I said nothing.   I would venture to guess that most people wouldn't look at me and call me "fat".   I carry extra weight, but I'm 5'10" and I carry it fairly well. . . but. . . I think I'm fat.  I stress over how much weight my horse has to carry.   I know for a fact that at one point in my life I should have stopped riding him simply because of my weight.  That's depressing.  Weight loss is a struggle.  It doesn't end.  Every day. . . every meal. . . every snack. . . it a battle that you win or lose.   I literally stress over everything I eat. Which is ironic cause I can sure binge in the evenings.   This battle won't end.  I won't reach my happy weight and suddenly just live a happy life there.  No.  I will have to constantly fight to stay at that weight.  And that's depressing.   It sucks to look at "naturally" skinny people and watch them eat without a second thought to what they put in their mouths.  That's not me.  That will never be me.   And as much as some people say the understand, unless they've been there they just can't possibly.   So I continue to fight the battles.   I think I lost this morning with the muffin.  However, as long as I don't let that define my day, I consider it a tie.