Monday, October 14, 2013

The things I do for my pets. . .

Sophie came home Friday afternoon, diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease.  She picked a sucky week to get sick and Friday was no exception.  We had tickets to the Cardinals game: NLCS Game 1!  Woo hoo.   I would have liked to stay home with Sophie.  But I also thought maybe it would be better for her if I wasn't there cause I hover.

The vet gave her lasix at different times than I do.   They did 4AM, 12PM, 8PM.   Well 8PM was not going to work for me.  I wouldn't be home. What do I do?   I decided stress at home was minimal and I wouldn't give it to her early (then the next dose would be long) but I'd give it to her late.   The game started at 7:30. When would I be home?  I hoped between 11 - 12.   WRONG!   I didn't think of extra innings.  The dang game was tied in the third and no one scored again for . . . .10 innings.  Yes it was a 13 inning came.  I left in the 11th.  I left Roger and the 2 others we were with at the game.  I took his keys.  I got back on the Redbird Express.   (There were many others leaving so I wasn't alone) We rode the bus back to the mall hovering over our phones and shouting out updates.   I got in the truck, turned on the radio to listen to the game.  Halfway home the game was over and our boys had WON!  Woo hoo.  I made him home, gave Sophie her meds.  Tried to get her to eat. Put on yoga pants, jumped back in the truck, drove back to the mall and picked up the other 3.  They got there about 2-3 mins before I did.  I'm so sad I left the game, but that got Sophie her meds an hour earlier than it would have if I had waited.  And who knew for sure when the game was going to end?

Sophie is still not quite right.  She's hiding under the bed.  When she is out she's a bit restless.  You know cats can lay in the same spot for hours.  Not Sophie.   She's in one spot for maybe 10 mins and she's moving.  She won't fully lay down.  I think she's nauseous.  She wants food.  She comes when it's time.  She just doesn't really eat.  She did eat Tuna Sat night, but not much of anything yesterday.   I just put in a call to the vet and I hope to hear soon.  But . . .

But?  Yes, but. . . . I just don't know that I'll take her back to the vet for any further treatment.   I mean I spent $1200 last week.   I just don't know. . . if we can consult over the phone, then that's great.  But I don't know that I can keep dropping this kind of money when all of her illnesses are terminal.  She's not going to get better.  How long do I keep doing this?   I know no one can answer that.  I certainly can't yet.  But I can't spend another $1200 this week on her.  No way.  

No photo for this post.  I know that's a crime!  I couldn't get a good photo of Sophie.  And whenever I got near her, it was so I could count breathing.  I tried to be sneaky but as her hair gets longer it's harder to see the breathing.  I really tried not to hover.  I was home all day yesterday editing photos and just observing. :)

Thursday, October 10, 2013

The randomness that is my life.

So. . . last night I was at the Cardinals game.  :)   It was the final elimination game of the NLDS. If they lost our world series run was over.  I decided on Monday to get seats cause I had a good feeling they would win Monday.  If they didn't, yesterday wouldn't happen.  I could only get nosebleed seats unless I wanted to buy after-market-jacked-up-priced-tickets.   This was our view

It was actually better than it looks in the photo.  I enjoyed it quite a bit.  It's fun up there!  But it takes a long time to get down to ground level after the game.  

Prior to the game we were checking out the view from the top of the stadium.   It was fun to hang out up there.  There was a nice fall breeze and places to sit, since many people hadn't made their way up yet.  Here's a selfie with the arch in the background.

We got beads at the rally before the game. :)   And then we ate inhaled this. . . . lol  It was good, but not as good as the BBQ Pork nachos we've had at other games.

We have tickets for the first game of the NLCS tomorrow!  And also game 6 a week from tomorrow, if the series goes that far.

So my car has a tire pressure light. The dang thing has been coming on every week - 10 days.  Yesterday morning it came on and I was so mad at myself cause I knew it was coming and I should have filled up my tire.  I guess I have a slow leak.  I filled it yesterday at lunch.  Today I get in my car and the damn thing is on again.  So I turn around in my drive so that Roger can fill it (saves me $0.75 at the gas station).   Well it went from 34 lbs to 20 lbs in less than 24 hours.  So now I have the truck.  Hopefully Roger can get my tire fixed today.   :(

I have a Dr appt after work and my Sophie kitty is in the hospital.  So I'm hoping I can go get her after the appt.  I'm still waiting for the update.  It kills me to wait in the morning for the call from the vet.  Usually I end up calling them first.  But I'm trying to sit tight.  I hate that I have to drive the truck to StL tonight.  Well that I might have to.  I love the truck, but I don't love driving it as much when it's not attached to my horse trailer.

Speaking of Sophie I'm hoping the diagnosis isn't bad.  I keep hearing cancer in my head.  Why?  I don't know.  Some friends of mine on FB had a dog that quite eating and ultimately was diagnosed with cancer and put down. . . all in the span of like 3 days.  I can't get that out of my head.  I hope it's not that.  I hope it's curable without spending a shit ton of $. This vet hospital is crazy expensive.  Just for one night, an ultrasound, a feeding tube and I can't remember what else is going to be just over $700.   I love my cat, but I just spent $400 there the day prior on tests/xrays to figure this out.  Her normal 3 month checkup is about $300 - just over.  So that was pretty much rolled into that $400 since we suspected heart related issues.  It wasn't that, but what is it?  

So due to my feet issues and my crazy life this week I haven't ran this week.  The 5K I did Sunday doesn't count.  I've done no exercise since . . . ?  The weekend before this past one.  Hmph.  The interesting thing is that the scale has been more consistent than usual.  Just going up and down about one pound.  Considering what I ate/drank at the game last night, only one lb is great.  :)   I'm just surprised at how even it's been as I can easily ride a 3 lb wave through the week.  I hope I didn't jinx it. :)   And I'm SO ready to run and try out my new shoes.   I wish I could just run a mile today at lunch, but with the Dr appt I have after work. . . well it's the kind where you don't want to have sweat any time prior to the appt. Lol   Worse case - Saturday morning it's on!!!!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013


This is my therapy :)   Someone said I could make this private or maybe it was not publish the posts.  I guess I could.  What I'd like to do is just say what I want to say.  I had a post all published and then took it down.  Cause you can't say what you want to say online.  People might get mad.  Hell my FB posts have got me in trouble.   

For example I once posted something like this: 
"I hate to see a generous person get taken advantage of."
Well that caused some drama!  As a result someone no longer speaks to me. The funny thing is that this is so general.   I mean who IS it about?  When my friend Doris was alive, it could have easily been about her.  She was always taken advantage of. Of course she liked it.  It made her feel needed.  But in anycase, the person that is no longer speaking to me threw a little tantrum about it.  Guilty conscience?  That's what I think!   So now I have to sensor what I say.  Bullshit if you ask me. 

I'd love to tell you all about my night last night.  And also something that happened yesterday that is photo related.  But I don't want to get thrown in the fire if people read it.  But really - why can't I tell my stories?   Is this any different than calling up a friend and gossiping about it?  Really?   

So . . . new subject. . . 

This weekend I went to get fitted for running shoes.  On Friday I had read an article on new fall shoe models.  One of them stood out to me and I wrote the name down.  But I didn't take that paper with me.  Yesterday when I got to work I saw it on my desk. What do you know!?  I ended up getting that pair! :) lol 

St Louis is a big baseball city.  We claim to have the best fans in the world.  I grew up taking it for granted.  I liked baseball enough but didn't really watch much or go to any games.   This year I decided I loved it.  We went to at least one game a month the whole season.  I started to educate myself on baseball.   I also started paying attention to fan reputation and attendance in other cities.  It does seem true that we have very supportive fans.  They are respectful to visiting teams and we also have high attendance during seasons when our team isn't doing that great.   So currently we are in postseason.  And the Cardinals are playing game five of a series tomorrow night and we are going!  I was so smart to get tickets before yesterday's game started.  I paid $43/ticket and they are selling on stubhub for $90 and up!   Yay!   I should have bought some to resell.   Yesterdays game (and tomorrow's now) was a do or die situation for us. If we lost yesterday we were out.  We started a rookie pitcher that is amazing! His name is Michael Wacha.  Anyone remember Fozzie Bear?  He says Waka Waka! Michael's name is pronounced the same way.  We ran with that here in St Louis.   Apparently there was a fan in Pittsburgh yesterday with a sign that said Wacha Wacha! as some form of an insult.  They tried to rattle him, but he's a machine and mature beyond his years.  He nailed that game for us.  And so I leave you with this. . . 

Monday, October 7, 2013

It's been a long time. . .

It's been a long long time since I blogged!  Probably no one will even see this.

Life is crazy. Just plain crazy.  I honestly feel like I have anxiety.  I'm barely on the edge of holding it together.  Why?  Cause I just have too much on my plate.  I can't relax.  90% of the time, if you ask me what I'm thinking the answer would be "what I have to to next and what I have to do after that".  I feel like it's never ending.  

So where to start with the updates?   

Last August my Sophie girl got sick with heart failure.   She's hanging tough and gets a *lot* of medicine daily.  She has to get one of her meds three times a day.  That puts a crimp in our lifestyle at times.  It's hard to take a day and go do something.  Who will give Sophie her medicine?  Not only is it hard to be gone for a day, but what about a weekend?  We use to like to take weekend trips.  Pilling a cat is not something the average person knows how to do.  It's not something some people, like my mom, are willing to learn.  When we are lucky enough to go away, my Dad takes care of Sophie.  He has so much on his plate that I feel guilty adding to it.  So we do less than we normally would and that sort of puts some stress on our relationship.   But I love my Sophie girl and am hoping to give her a good life no matter how long she hangs tough. 

Eli is. . . getting old.  Eli and are are. . . not getting along.  My riding is just so out of sync.   I want to retire him but I don't really want to give up riding.  I can't imagine my life without riding.  I'm sure I'd get use to it.  I've been window shopping for a 2nd horse, but holy crap!  Horse prices are out of control.  I will not, never ever, even if I win the lottery, pay more than maybe 10K for a horse.  Never. Forget that.  Currently, in this market, it seems like it doesn't take much to price a horse at 20-30K with out any decent reason for that pricing.   Yikes.  I don't know that I can afford the care for 2 horses, but right now I'm fed up with the pricing.   So Eli and I just keep doing what we do.   Riding aspect aside, Eli deserves a nice green pasture. He doesn't deserve a dry lot that is one big hill full of gullies.   He just doesn't.  And I struggle with what to do about that.  It's hard to find a green pasture sometimes, but maybe even something flat, safe and with supplemental hay?  Is that too much to ask?  Cause I feel like he's just not happy.  But I like the location.  I like that access to my trainer.  I love the arena. . . . blah blah blah. 

Just over 2 years ago I decided to pursue a "side job" in photography.   What was I thinking?!  Well I like to take photos.  I thought it was fun to take photos of kids and babies rather than horses.  It was fun.  Key word there is "was".  Now it's a second job that doesn't pay shit.  Oh sure, people pay me $100 for photos.  People pay me $150 for newborn photos.  I buy props, backdrops, better camera equipment, I rent to studio . . .  I spend TIME.  Lots of time on editing.  I think half the time I should just pay people to let me take their photos.  I mean geesh.  Let's take that newborn session.  I have to load my car with all my crap (a lot of crap) the night before.   I drive to the studio (20 mins).  I unload the car.  I've rented the studio and that cost me $60.  It's 2 hours of rental but you can creatively schedule it to give you three.   A newborn takes 2-3 hours to shoot.  There's feeding time, time to try to get them to sleep, time to clean up poop. . . etc etc.   After that I then load the car, sweep the studio and drive home.  Are you counting hours?   My $150 is down to $90 after studio rental.  Did you get that?  Gas not factored in.   Then I have to edit.  Newborns take the longest and I haven't mastered them.  10-12 hours is a safe bet.  Then I burn the disc, put it in a sleeve then in a cardboard envelope, then I mail it.  At the post office I argue with the clerk about the cheapest way to mail it so that I can save $1.  Nice.   So how much am I making?   NADDA!   And people think that $150 is expensive.  Yet they get digitals with that!   Have you priced a "professional" photographer?  Really?  Are you wondering about that $100 session?   That is an hour.  If it's in studio that's $30 to rent the studio.  And I suspect I spend 6-ish hours editing.  I've never really tracked those sessions.  It would only stress me out more.  You may remember I have a full time job.   It pays me pretty well too.  So when do I fit in all this editing?  Every spare moment at home.  Often times I can spend 8 hours on Saturdays editing.   There went one of my days off!  When I start to look forward to Monday so I can go back to work, that's pretty sad.  My hubby says "you are always on the computer".   I use to struggle with doing fun stuff if I had photos to edit.  I couldn't say, go to a ball game, if I had photos to edit.  Those people paid me.  I owe them photos.  I can't have fun till that is done.  I've got better with that thank god.  But still I don't relax when I have photos to edit.  I limited myself to a max of 5 sessions a month most of this year.  But still that means I have a shoot almost every weekend and if not I have photos to edit.  It's starting to affect my relationship.  I use to look forward to sessions.  They were fun.  I had fun interacting with kids.   I like taking the photos.  I like delivering the end product.  I hate the editing.  So now I resent the sessions because that equals more editing.  Not cool.   So what's the solution?  Raise prices?  Make money!  If I raise prices, I could shoot less and walk away with the same $ right?   I probably would shoot less cause some clients would leave.  The problem with that logic is that the photography market is so over saturated. People will not pay more for photos.  Photos are seriously getting devalued.  Clients will go to the newest $50 photographer and get a disc full of photos that are likely crappy: dark, bad skin tones and no light in the eyes.   Many photographers I know don't get bookings cause they are too expensive.  They are in the same price range as me.  So there's no room to raise the prices.   I just don't see how.  So I'm done.  At the end of this year I'm done.  At the least I'm taking a long hiatus.  But I really think I'm just done.  I need to focus on other things in my life.  Including my relationship, but I also want to like picking up my camera again.  I'm a little sad about this, but I realize I can't keep stressing like this.  And photos cause me a lot of stress!

I guess the final blurb is that we still don't have a house.  And I'm getting a bit resentful about that.   If hubby were to read this I think he'd be mad at me, but he knows.  He knows I'm resentful about it.  I'm going to be 35 next month and there's nothing more I want in life than a house.  I want it before I'm too old to enjoy it.  Before that 30 year loan will last longer than I will live.  Know what I mean?   And I will be the first to say that this is causing me a lot of stress.  I'm almost willing to give a lot of things up in order to have a house.   A lot of things.   I just don't know what the solution is.   I'm ready for the commitment and my husband is not.  I don't know if he ever will be and that breaks my heart. 

What's a blog without a photo?  Everyone has seen this as this is from July, but oh well.  And looking at this photo you'll see that I've gained weight.  Fatty McFatters.  But that's for another blog.  Maybe I'll start blogging more often eh?  It seems like with FB what's the point?