Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The battle is real. . .

I have an inner fatty.  I think if you've been a fat girl (I still consider myself a fat girl), then you have an inner fatty.   I didn't get fat cause I loved healthy food.  I got fat cause I loved unhealthy food.  I still love unhealthy food. 

In Dec 2013 a friend that I met via FB was chatting with me and she said "I saw that you said you did a long run so you can have a cupcake.  It doesn't work that way".   I think I was in denial.  My reply is that I know.  That I know people over estimate calories burned and then eat too much.  I wasn't eating a cupcake after every long run. . . .was I?  I don't know.  What I do know was I eating too much crap.  I know that all through 2014 I pretty much did a good job of maintaining weight. . . creeping up slowly, but not a ton.  Running and then eating a cupcake is probably a fine (but unhealthy) way to maintain weight. 

I want to lose weight.  I want to be healthy.  Will I eat a cupcake?  Yes.  I'm sorry but I don't have superhero willpower.   But I will not eat them as often.  Every weekend is not a special occasion.  Special occasions are birthday parties, holidays, maybe a date night.  They are not Saturday and Sunday.  They are not long run days.  

But the battle is real.  I fight a mental battle with myself almost every day.  Sometimes hourly.  Right now it's 11:20 AM.  I want this Advocare DB9 bar that I have at my desk.  There's nothing wrong with eating it.  The various advocare bars are part of my lifestyle now.  But I don't *need* it.  Lunch is soon.  Soon enough.  I don't need this snack.  I had a peach and cashews as my morning snack.  But I like snacks.  Bad or otherwise.  If there was chocolate in my desk I'd want that.  Heck it's that time of the month - I want chocolate.  I want cupcakes.  The DB9 bar is what I have access to, so I want it.  

The struggle is constant.  I can't imagine that it won't be.  I have a sweet tooth.  I have an inner fatty.  I'm trying to shut her up.  I'm making progress.  I'm learning a lot this year.  I see what impact one bad choice has.  I see how much I've improved and how much room there is for improvement.  I don't pretend that I'm perfect.  Perfection is not my goal.  Healthier choices 99% of the time is my goal.  Choices that get me to my weight/size/fat%/etc goals is what I am doing, what I need to do, what I need to keep doing. 

I hope that I'm motivating others on the way.  I'm a true believer that if I can do it, anyone can do it.  I do not have some crazy strong willpower.  I fight my sweet tooth every day.  I fight the inner fatty that says "just one cupcake".    Progress is happening. 

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