Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Battle with the scale

I know numbers aren't everything.  However, this is what my scale says to me:

I don't think I should weight 200 lbs.  Yes that's what the scale said today.  200 on the nose.  I battle the scale.  It's not healthy, I know.  What I don't know is how to overcome it.  I feel like the number I see in the morning dictates my mood through the day.  Last week I reached the 199's.   But then I bounced up to 201.something.   Ugh.   I tried to think of the scale as a competition.  Me vs the scale.  That works when I'm winning.  I feel *really* good when the scale does go down.  But then when it goes up I get this WTF attitude and tend to eat.  I thought I was a tough competitor, but apparently not!  I'm scared that if I ever do get back to the 180's (where I was happiest) that even then my favorite jeans won't fit.  Why?  Well when I was on HCG, I lost all the abnormal fat stores.  Ok, not all, but they were reduced.  My hips shrank.  Losing weight *normally* my hips don't tend to shrink.  I think my 20lbs went on in my hips and won't come off in my hips.  That makes me sad.  Weight loss is so emotional.  I ate a chocolate chip muffin this morning.  We got off work early yesterday (due to snow) and I baked muffins and cookies.   I really wanted to try a muffin.  I consciously decided to eat it. I think that there is a healthy balance in life.  But then I feel guilty. . . really guilty.  Which sometimes prompts me to eat more.   So then it's a viscous cycle.  I don't think the average healthy weight person understands the emotional struggle.  I don't think my own (overweight) husband understands it.  On FB last week I posted an article about diet myths.  A friend shared it.  Then a mutual friend (that is suddenly huge into Advocare) commented on it.  She said something about doing what is "proven" to work in regards to weight loss (meaning journaling, etc).   I wanted to FB smack her upside the head.  I think she weighs like 105 lbs dripping wet.  Seriously.  I think the only time she's weighed more was during her 2 pregnancies (I didn't know her then).  I don't think she has ever struggled with weight loss.  But she sells Advocare now and so she knows . .. right?  What-freaking-ever!  Bite me.  I'm sorry but you don't know what it's like.  You don't know what it feels like to wear a size 18-20 jeans.  You just don't.   You don't know what it's like to try on multiple outfits when you go out in order to find the one that makes you look the least fat.  You don't know what it's like to think about what you are going to eat next. . . to feel guilty about something you ate. . . to stress over every bite that goes in your mouth.  You flat out don't!  That's what I wanted to say.  Instead I said nothing.   I would venture to guess that most people wouldn't look at me and call me "fat".   I carry extra weight, but I'm 5'10" and I carry it fairly well. . . but. . . I think I'm fat.  I stress over how much weight my horse has to carry.   I know for a fact that at one point in my life I should have stopped riding him simply because of my weight.  That's depressing.  Weight loss is a struggle.  It doesn't end.  Every day. . . every meal. . . every snack. . . it a battle that you win or lose.   I literally stress over everything I eat. Which is ironic cause I can sure binge in the evenings.   This battle won't end.  I won't reach my happy weight and suddenly just live a happy life there.  No.  I will have to constantly fight to stay at that weight.  And that's depressing.   It sucks to look at "naturally" skinny people and watch them eat without a second thought to what they put in their mouths.  That's not me.  That will never be me.   And as much as some people say the understand, unless they've been there they just can't possibly.   So I continue to fight the battles.   I think I lost this morning with the muffin.  However, as long as I don't let that define my day, I consider it a tie. 

1 comment:

  1. I say this with as much love and kindness as I can, but Jen, I think it might be time to talk to someone about everything going on in your life. I know that the couples therapy option didn't pan out, but I really think it's reached a point where you would benefit from going to see someone for your own troubles. The feelings you have expressed here are not healthy. There is more at play here than your battle with the scale, but I think that's where you are venting your frustrations at the moment. If you were able to process everything else going on in your life right now maybe your eating would fall into a more regular pattern. It's worth a try at least.

    I debated whether this was the best forum to say this, so please feel free to delete it if you wish.