Thursday, February 6, 2014

Yesterday. . . continued.

I've thought quite a bit about my post yesterday.  I don't feel there is anything wrong with the post.  Nor is there anything wrong with me.  Maybe it sounds a bit more harsh in black and white than I intended it to be.  I feel like these thoughts are common for someone that struggles with weight.   They are normal for someone that is constantly on a diet.  I will *never* be able to eat without thinking about it.   If I do I will be right back up at 250 lbs.  Have you been 250 lbs?  It sucks.   It's not fun.  I looked like a blown up balloon.   I'm not joking.   It's hard for me to lose weight.  The thyroid issue is a prominent one.  It's not calories in vs calories out.  It sucks to eat healthy and workout all the time to only maintain my weight.  I work *hard* to not gain weight.  Do you have to work so hard to maintain your weight?  Until you've been in this position I don't think you can really comprehend what it's like.

That being said, I don't feel like I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  I do not starve myself.  I do not stuff my face.  I do not throw up what I've eaten.   Even though the thought of food, calories, carbs, gaining weight is in the forefront of my mind I still eat.  If I didn't maybe I'd be thinner!  I eat sugar.  I eat carbs.  I eat fruits.  I eat nuts.   I eat meat.  I eat cheese.  I eat.   Again I don't eat till I'm sick.  But I do eat.  And if you hung out with me you would see that I eat normally. You would see that I eat healthier than most people.  I can't tell you how many comments I get at work from people that see me eating a salad every day at lunch.

I'm not going to lie, it sucks when I can have a normal day, maybe eating out for one meal, and gain 3+ lbs on the scale overnight.  It's depressing that it can take me a WEEK to get that off.   Is that a female issue?  Is that normal?  Maybe.  Who the hell knows.   I've been tested for food sensitivities.  There are several things I should not eat.  Though those tests give false positives and negatives so how do I rely on that?  Some of the items I don't eat anyways, some I don't eat often.  I do not feel like there are other life issues that are causing these thought processes.  I feel like this is normal for someone that has been overweight, that is still overweight and that struggles with losing weight.    Those of you that are the journey with me. . . do you not wake up and hopefully get on the scale? Do you not hold your breath (even metaphorically speaking) and hope that the number went down?  Are you not disappointed when the number goes up?   Those of you that are trying to lose weight. . . do you not feel slightly guilty when you eat that cookie that you "shouldn't" eat?  Sure you can fit those calories into your day, but don't you feel a tinge of guilt when you eat something that is "bad"?  And do you not get mad when you work your ass off and eat right and don't see any results?  I don't think I'm alone here.

So I'm going to march forward. . . eating my salad for lunch every day.  Drinking a ton of water every day.  Continuing on my half marathon training schedule and I'm going to see where I end up.

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