Thursday, June 5, 2014

Scale Control

As you may know, I'm a daily weigh person.  I get on the scale every *single* morning.  I may also get on at night before I shower.  I can usually predict what my weight will be in the morning by looking at my night time weight.   I'm not going to lie that this act of daily weighing causes stress.  I will admit that what number I see in the morning can dictate my stress level regarding food for that day.  This is not healthy.   So why do I get on the scale so often?  I'd say the fear of the unknown.  I'd rather know than not know. I'd rather stop a 5 lb gain when I gain 1 lb than catch it at 5.  And ultimately because I cannot, absolutely cannot, judge my weight by how my clothing fits.   I'm 5'10".  It takes me about 20lbs to drop a jean size.  At least.   Likewise I can easily gain weight and no go up a size.  And judging the level of "tightness" of said jeans doesn't really work for me.   It's really discouraging to have to lose so much to go down a size.  Likewise it takes quite a bit of weight loss before someone will look at me and ponder "are you losing weight?".  When they say that they think I lost maybe 10 lbs when in reality it's usually 25+ by that point.  So. . . . the scale is my tool.  

Not this week!

I got on the scale Monday morning and I weighed in at a whopping 208.2.  The 208.X is the highest I've weighed since 2011 I believe.   It's depressing.  It sucks.  And I realized that no matter what I do I can't seem to get it down.  I have no idea what's going on.  So rather than stress every day I'm trying like hell to eat right this week.  I promised myself I can get on the scale on Friday morning.  That's tomorrow!  TGIF!   And so I might do a M & F scale thing for a few weeks.  I usually mess up on weekends.  Maybe if I don't let myself get back on till Monday morning I will do better?   We will see!  I can't wait till tomorrow.  No lie this has been both stressful and less stressful if you know what I mean.  My eating has been pretty good.  I eat the same breakfast and lunch every day.  I'm trying hard to reduce snacks in the evenings.  My boss bought us single servings (well single is relative) of Ted Drewes ice cream (custard?) on Tuesday.  My old boss use to do this for us quite often. It's been years since we've had this at work. I couldn't say no.  But what I did do is commit the ultimate sin.  I threw away ice cream.  Yes I did!  I ate half of the *little* container and threw away the rest.   I'm pretty proud of that!   I call that compromise.   

It's been a really rough week for me.   A lot of stuff going on at work that I don't agree with.  A friend's one year old son got diagnosed with kidney cancer.  There were issues at my barn resulting in a friend moving her horse suddenly yesterday.  Unfortunately I had a part in that situation as I reported the barn worker handling her a horse in a way that I didn't think was appropriate.   I also over heard my barn owner talking smack about me.  So now I'm in a situation where I feel I might need to move my horse.   So there's a lot of stress.  I'm thankful (I think?) that I didn't have scale stress on top of it.  So here's to tomorrow and a better weigh in!  I need to get back in the 100's to be happy mentally.   I don't know what's going on with my body.  Most people wouldn't think I weigh this much and I actually had a friend guess my size at a size 10 (I'm a 16 again).    So I guess I should be happy I carry my weight well.  But after shopping for shorts on Sunday I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself and my fatness.  

Have a great day!

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