Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I'm fat!

Yes you read that right. I've lost 70-75 lbs depending on the day and I'm still fat. Why do I say that? Because I think I am. I still have jiggly stupid fat. I still have love handles. And the scary part is that I don't think some of that is going to go away. I think the love handle area is actually lose skin. *gasp* This is horrifying to me. Last night as I got in the shower I stood and looked at my naked self in the mirror. I think in some ways I was happier with my body when I was fatter. (Fatter - cause I'm still fat!) Why? Because it was "firm". Firm in the sense that it wasn't saggy. BLAH! I sag everywhere. My boobs are saggy sacks of nothing. Not that they were much to begin with. I swear I'd totally have a boob job if someone were to pay for it. Not because I want bigger, but because I want prettier. I always have, they've always been fugly.

Now the second reason I'm fat is because mentally I'm fat. I'm still shocked by photos. I still feel like the fat girl in the room. I'm shocked sometimes when I see my reflection. But I'm not at goal. I don't have a goal weight. I have a goal feeling. Or a goal size. In some ways I have a weight. That weight is kind of wherever I feel comfortable and not panicky about gaining.

Let me see if I can give an example. I'm going to lay it all out there for you. Ready for the numbers?

Most people don't ever guess how much I weighed initially. I need to dig up some pics, but since I'm at work, that's not going to happen right now. I gained 50-ish lbs in 2009 because of my thyroid going whacky again. I clocked in at a maximum weight of 250lbs! Most people would never guess that. The people I tell that to are shocked. I'm 5'10" and I manage to carry my weight fairly well. Luck me huh? lol.

I started a diet on my own around Easter 2010. I did a detox that shed some weight. Then I started going to the gym. I think my weight when I started at the gym with my trainer was around 230-something. That was June 2010. My weight at my wedding was about 210 (April 2011). Not quite where I wanted it, but I thought I looked good. (Till I look back now.)

Today I weighed 179.8. I track my weight daily. I've been as low as 175.8 normally. By normally I mean when I wasn't sick. I was sick for several days in November and I got to 172-something. That was awesome! I'm a bit up from where I like to be. I like to hover at 176-177.8. I'm panicking a bit. But I'm working out hard and my clothes still fit. However, that 180 mark scares me.

That's what I mean by comfortable weight. I wanted to be below 200. I stayed at 195-ish for quite some time. I was uncomfortable there. I was SCARED of going above 200 again. I wanted to see what I looked like at 175. That was my "dream" first goal. Well I guess I got there. Close enough. But now I'm scared of going above that 180 mark. So where is my comfortable weight? I think it's in the 160's. Or at least below 175. I'm not sure. Time will tell.

But regardless I'm still fat. I'm still addicted to candy and sweets. I eat WAY too much chocolate! Today my goal is to eat less chocolate. Notice that I didn't say *no* chocolate. LOL. I leave for Cancun in under 2 weeks and I'd like to back in the 176 range so I can feel like it's ok to eat! :)

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