Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Struggling. . .

I find myself struggling with life right now.  As a results of the stress and emotions I am struggling with my food choices.   Friday was out of control stupid.  I just ate everything I saw.  I felt horrible and sluggish.  It's really eye opening when you realize how your food choices make you feel.  But ultimately that didn't stop me from shoving crap in my face.

My sweet tooth is crazy strong.  My Dad loves sweets too.  I blame him as I clearly inherited his sweet tooth.  My boss and coworker were in Switzerland last week and brought me back some chocolate. I  really wanted a hollow bunny, but it died on the way home. :(  (tastes the same though I suppose!)

It's also Easter time. . . the time Baby Binks come out to play.  These are usually sold for $1 and they are my weakness.  I adore hollow chocolate.  I love the candy bunny eyes.  These are a smaller size (till too much, but smaller) and I am addicted.  Did I tell you I was struggling?

I was working on a fitbit streak. How many days in a row could I reach my 10K step goal.  I answered that yesterday.  33 days.

You can see I did not reach goal yesterday (Monday).   That was day 34.  Bummer :( I had a Dr appt after work.  It my yearly woman Dr appt and quite frankly I just drove home after that and I didn't work out.   Streak over.

So I try hard not to talk about my relationship issues. I can't decide what I should or should not share.  But I guess the thing is, FB is a highlight reel of life.  Everything has to be happy and positive.  I don't necessarily want my blog to be that way.  But how much is too much?  I haven't figured that out.  I blog not necessarily because I think my life is interesting and everyone wants to know about it.  But more because it's almost therapy, like a journal.  I put it "out there" and get it off my chest.  Who reads it?  I don't know.  And that's the magic I think. 

Anyways, before I met my husband he was married for 4 (?) years.  He was a lot larger (I believe almost 300 lbs).  He lost weight (65 lbs I think) before I met him.  So I've only seen pics of him at his largest.  He's joined me on my healthy journey and is currently checking in around 205-208 he tells me.  He's the smallest I've ever seen him.   But before I met him, he chewed tobacco.  He quit before he met me.  I think during the time he lost weight.  But I've busted him for chewing.  I can't remember the first time. I feel like it was in the fall and so potentially fall of 2014. . . maybe fall of 2013.  I don't know.  But I found a can of chew in our kitchen cabinet (hidden) last fall.  I called him on it.  I was *not* happy.  I don't like chewing.  I want nothing to do with it and I don't want him to do it.  That it was just another one his lies really threw me over the edge.  It's a whole other story but I really think he's a compulsive liar.  So . . . last night as I was coming home I stopped at the mail box (remember I live in the country and our box is at the end of our driveway).   I opened - no mail.  But what was in the back of the box?  A can of chew.  His brand.  His flavor.  He says it's not his.  I have no logical explanation for why it's not his.  But I have no explanation for why someone else would put it in our box.   It's not a logical hiding place for him.  But . . . people do weird things to mailboxes in the country.  I mean other than smashing them.   My crazy neighbor (yes he's bat shit crazy) had his box stuffed with shitty diapers.  But you know. . . I get it . .  it's cause he's nuts and someone hates him!  A can of chew?  That stuff isn't cheap.  Who would just throw it in our box?   That would be a waste of money.  But why would my husband hide it in the box?   I went for a drive after asking him about this.  I needed space.   I believe it's his no matter what he says.  My mom doesn't know - she also doesn't get why it would be in the mail box.   But I will tell you this. . . I wanted a soda!!!!  I wanted it bad.  A fountain soda.  My drug of choice.  This kind of stress isn't helping me.  I didn't get the soda.  But maybe I should have.  I just came home and ate chocolate.  But I've already fallen into the slippery slope of sweets.  I don't need to fall of the "no soda" bandwagon too. I've got to get myself together.  Any tips and advice for finding my willpower again is greatly appreciated.  


  1. That sounds rough. I've sort of fallen off the wagon for the last week. I feel really exhausted and just not up for running at night. But then I feel like the progress I made just got thrown away. I feel your frustration! I wish I had a better answer for you. :(

  2. Way to go not getting back on the soda wagon - it is so tough when you are stressed. Your hollow bunny made me think of a time I was in Dollar Tree and there were a whole row of hollow bunnies melting in the was could just sit and watch their faces melt off. I thought I posted a pic on my blog but can't find it :(

    1. I hate when people purposefully kill the chocolate bunnies by breaking off their heads or poking out their eyes. I've seen mass murders. It's heartbreaking :(