Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Wednesday Blahs

I'm up 1 lb from last week.  I have no excuses.  I had control then I don't know what happened. 

Last Wed: 180.6  /  29.5% Fat
Thurs: 179.6
Fri: 179.4
Sat: 179.8
Sun: 180.2
Mon: 182.2
Tue: 182.6
Wed: 181.6  (+1 lbs) / 29.4% Fat

Look at all those 179's!  I was getting so excited.  Saturday I tried not to eat too much.  We were out and about during the day. . . I believe I posted about my crappy Sat.  Plans changed and we ended up going to a restaurant with hubby's mom.  I had BBQ Chicken breast, some fries, a side salad, a roll and then a piece of blackberry pie for dessert.   Sounds like a lot, but it wasn't too bad.  I wasn't uncomfortable.  I was hungry to start. But I was only up .4.  I thought I could take care of that.   

Sunday I was super busy and on the road. . . I didn't eat much at all as I was purposely saving calories cause knew we were having PIZZA!  I enjoyed the pizza, but every time I save calories for dinner the scale backfires on me.  Up 2 lbs the next day.   Now this week is TOM.  BLAH.   So I always gain some weight then.  Usually close to 1.5 lbs.  Maybe some of that was from TOM.  I don't know.  Anyways, it was down some today.  So it was it is and I'm moving on. 

So as the last post mentioned the 5K was canceled.  I was so bummed.  It's rough to have a goal ripped out from under you.  I know I worked hard.  I know my accomplishments aren't all about one race.  But it flat out sucked.   

Then yesterday I got an email from Eli's trainer.  Eli and I have had some rough going lately.  We were not getting along and I was questioning if I should still be riding.   I did well with my weight loss and adapting in the saddle because of it.  Or so I thought.  Then I started running and it seemed like everything in the saddle went downhill.  I think to some extent I don't know how much muscle I have in certain places.  Tension in my body is projected to Eli much stronger now.  Running is also not conducive to a good seat in the saddle so that's been challenging.  I decided to send Eli to my trainer's for 6 weeks.  I wanted a break.  He needed a break from me.  I wanted time to think.  I still see him most weekends and I've been taking lunge lessons to help work on my body and reconnect my brain and my body.   Yesterday however my trainer told me Eli is no longer progressing and is actually going the opposite way.  He feels there are issues in his back and maybe hocks.  Hocks and back are a viscous circle and it's hard to tell if one causes the other or vise versa. They suggested mesotherapy and I haven't heard of that.  So I'm researching.  Ultimately though I'm picking Eli up on Sat to bring him home.  I was in tears most of the evening last night.   I wanted to go get him right away.  Just to be with him.  But my schedule doesn't allow that.  I'm sad because while I thought about giving up dressage I didn't necessarily want to give up fun riding.  And I realize I don't know what's wrong.  But my opinion is that when it's a back or hock issue that you never really fix it. That you simply buy some comfort and maybe some time.   I just feel deep down that this is the beginning of retirement for my baby.  We'll see.  I'm not trying to jump to conclusions.   But I do know him. . . . Anyways, I use to have a goal of getting my USDF Bronze medal.  Maybe not with Eli, but I could get some scores with him.  In recent years, even though I'm working with a talented trainer, I've realized that would likely not happen.  My trainer's barn is full of great riders and $$$ horses.  I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable showing with them.  And I'm a rider that needs a trainer at a show.  Not to mention they'd be there anyways so going solo would be awkward.   Showing is also very very expensive and I have other goals in life.  I *REALLY* want a house! So bad I can taste it.   So it's been a mental struggle to give up that goal.  And I have a hard time having a hobby that costs this much money without having something to work towards.  I'm not a "weekend" horse owner.  I don't own Eli to just pet him and feed him carrots.  Now when he retires that is a different story.  I promised him forever and he'll have a forever home with me.   So I'm struggling right now trying to decide what to do.  Diagnosing this issue is going to cost tons of $.  So is treating it.   Do I keep throwing money in him? Or do I simply give him time off?  Do I move him to a cheaper barn, give time off and slowly bring him into work again for fun and for trail riding? I don't know.  The barn I board at is expensive and really set up for horses that are ridden. Turn out is not good.  If he can't be ridden and really worked he needs to move.  I'm just so deflated right now.   I feel like the rug has been pulled out of me this week.  I didn't reach my running goal. . . who knows where my riding is. Both have been very time consuming activities for me.  Yesterday I just drowned my sorrows in a coke from McD's (the BEST fountain coke anywhere) and a bowl of ice cream.  How I lost a pound is beyond me. 

However last night I worked out with my trainer and I got to box.  I asked to do it. I've wanted to do it for a long time.   My old trainer never would let me, so now I have a new one and we did it!  Apparently I'm a left handed fighter. I hit harder with my left hand.  Strange.  I had a blast and forgot my worries for a brief time.  

I posted this photo on FB last night:

Yeah my head is cut off.  Hubby took it.  The kitty is the focus.   I love little puff ball kitties.  This one was found all alone in hubby's shop.   I don't know who the mom is and there appear to be no siblings.   Anyways everyone went on and on about how skinny I looked.  Really?  You can't see my fat hips!   I have lost the same 5 lbs over and over and over again for months.  I'm not skinny!   Hell my bones aren't skinny.  I don't think I'll ever use me and skinny in the same sentence.  But whatever. I was amused.  I do think my face is thin though and that always takes me by surprise. .  . 

 That's all I got today.  I'll leave with a photo of my Eli.  I stop by while I was in Springfield on Sunday (for non horse stuff) to take him out for some grass.  He wasn't very happy about posing for the photo.  That meant he had to stop eating!  

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