Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Invisible Illness

I am still undiagnosed.  I see my Dr tomorrow and I know she's going to give me an autoimmune diagnosis.  It'll probably be rheumatoid arthritis or lupus.  Things I don't want to have for the rest of my life :(  

I've alternated between being pissed off and angry, believing that they are wrong and this will go away and believing everything will be fine cause I'll put it in remission.   I don't know what will actually happen.  I'm very very sloooowly feeling better and as a result my personality is better and I feel like the "old" me.  Cause quite frankly for a couple weeks I felt like the old me died and I had to figure out who this knew person was.  I expect I'll feel like that again. 

I need to find a therapist.  I have the issue of insurance changing in Nov and that makes finding new providers a risk.   I need therapy for stress management, dealing with whatever is wrong with me, working on myself and how I communicate with my husband.  We really need marriage therapy, but I don't see that happening.  My marriage is my biggest source of stress.  And that makes me . . . stressed.  

The problem with this is that I "look" fine.   Usually.  There are times that people tell me that I don't look good.  But in general I look normal.  Except for the crocs on my feet.  Ha!  They are the most comfortable things for my achy painful little feet.  Ouch!  I move the best when I'm wearing crocs.  I don't care if I look a fool. :)   My husband informed me I haven't been happy for five weeks last night.  Well tomorrow is 4 weeks of this illness. He's off by one. . . but he clearly doesn't understand what it's like to constantly think about this, to constantly have aches and pains, to not be able to do the small things that you use to do, or some of the large things, to ponder that you have something wrong with you for the rest of your life. . . .  I could use some support instead of being reprimanded for not being happy.  This is tough.  This sucks.  I read and read and make myself sick with stress.   I need to not stress or be stressed and maybe that will help.  I've been researching natural cures. . . plant based diet (I don't know if I can do that), cherry juice, red wine and the ingredient from the grapes that's in the wine. . . anything and everything I can find to naturally go into remission should I really have something autoimmune.  Oh by the way, the negative tests for all this don't mean jack apparently.  But the drugs for these illnesses. . . many have horrible side effects like Lymphoma . . . ummm no.  That drug is not going in my body if I can help it!  

So that's where I'm at right now.  Very dismal isn't it.  I hope to post something happy again eventually.  When I actually feel happy. :(

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